Out of One's Mind.

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I swore it was only thought, so I was surprised when I heard it come from my mouth. I sighed, so tired not physically though. The tiredness within my head is more draining than the physical feeling. I just drop. Drop to the floor. Curl up. And curled up I just stare, stare at the floor. Numb, wanting to cry but the feeling was gone, only an empty sadness. The tipsy in my system made me tired but I knew I needed to get up although I can't find the will to. So instead I stare, and stare, and stare until my eyes blur from dryness. My eyes open to the buzz of my phone I couldn't help but get excited.

Is it them?

Oh my god did they change their mind?

Am I still lovable?

I move suddenly getting up though the action makes me dizzy from the alcohol still in my system. I grab my phone and there's nothing but a simple email, not even from someone real merely a spam text. I really should've turned that off... I sighed throwing my phone across the room. With a loud thud, it hit the wall, then the floor the phone was likely cracked now but I didn't care. I just wanted to never look at that dumb fucking thing again. I stumble to the counter and drop my head down onto the surface placing my arms under my head. Leaning down just sitter there my head on the counter. Once more unwilling to move, except this time I knew I had to I needed to get out of this hellhole house. I pack up some stuff in my bookbag, knife, notebook, pen, ID, keys, and my anxiety medication. I go to step out of the house I only wanted to be out for a moment maybe go to a park, a river, someplace nice, someplace calm. So I got in my car a shitty old jeep rubicon. I sit there for a moment in the car, I find myself doing that a lot, sitting there doing nothing merely thinking.

Why

Why must I be like this

Why can't I be normal

I can't believe I made them leave.

It's all my fault.