Misplaced {Extra}

A Good Riddance to My Loneliness

April 30th, XXXX

It's been 3 months now since my child has passed- (hopefully taking that into account, you will better understand this letter)- or more, the days and months have all meshed together seamlessly.

I can't take it anymore. The everlasting emptiness that I feel in this home- no. This house. This place is no longer my home.- It's unbearable. The air in this place is cold, damp, and... heavy.

Some days, I wake up and feel as if this load has gotten lighter. Others, I awake and it feels as unending as it really is. I know that I shouldn't take what I'm feeling at face value, but perhaps I just shouldn't wake up at all. That way I can't entertain myself with such a false, and also empty, sense of hope.

I lost my mother, my husband, and now my Eiji. How can I possibly be expected to move on?

To live on?

I don't know if any human being on the entirety of earth is able to handle this amount of loss, and accept it wholeheartedly.

Truly.

Breathing, eating, and all other basic human functions- they're disgusting. They're all disgusting, and a chore, even. I've forgotten how to cook, how to bathe, and how to... love.

Life. It's mundane and flavorless. At least, mine is, and my life is all I've ever known, or ever will know for that matter.

I wonder... what is it about death that is so inviting- so much so that it causes the people I hold so dearly, to gravitate towards it? Does a reaper plant their seeds, and then just decide when it is time to sow? Or perhaps, is it because when you're dead, you don't have to feel anything anymore..?

Maybe that's why. I, too, would like to lead an emotionless life. I would be happy and content with that, so to speak, if that were reality. But I suppose I wouldn't actually be happy, as I would be without any emotions, which is inclusive of happiness. So maybe an emotionless death, rather.

I mentioned that there used to be days that I would wake up and think that everything was going to be okay- that's what I thought. I have now come to realize that those days are fleeting, and rapidly becoming more and more scarce. So scarce in fact, that I don't know when the next day will come.

My hand continues to hurt as I continue to write this, almost as much as my heart hurts. As much as my whole being hurts.

And so, with that, I will be taking my leave.

To whoever finds this, perhaps the police, I hope you are happy and in good health. Enjoy your life, as I wish I could've enjoyed mine.

~Kamado Yuuki