One Last Time: One More Time

Love

Maria

I can't stop having this heavy feeling in my chest. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. But most of the time it's just there to remind me that I am not worth anything.

It's sad when you realize that some lives are more worthwhile than others. Unaccomplished dreams, frustrated wants, it's the moment you realize that the world doesn't care. I'm not important, I never was.

But he was.

I knew it the moment I saw him.

On top of his horse, ready for battle as the gate began to open. I don't think he ever noticed me looking his way. It was understandable, after all, I was in between the masses. A young tavern dancer trying to see what client I'd pull next.

I don't think I'll ever be worthy of him. Still, I wonder what he saw in me.

How could I not completely devote myself to him?

His life was so meaningful and full of endless possibilities. I just knew that Levi is meant to be great. The hero of humanity and to me; the most beautiful human.

Is it wrong for me to feel like this? To dedicate my whole life to him? To feel inferior to him?

I don't think so.

Because at the end of the day... It's just a fact that some lives are worth more than others.

"You're special to me... Don't pressure yourself and don't ever think you're not special, because even if the world says otherwise, you're special to me. Always."

But I want to be special.

I want to feel special. I know it's selfish of me but I want to be special to the world. I want my life to mean something ...

Or my death.

I wonder what's more important to me, to keep Levi happy or to accomplish this childish dream.

If I tried to explain it to him, I don't think he would understand.

Levi, a man of humble beginnings but was born special. Strong, skilled, talented on the battlefield.

I have to admit that I was jealous of him, maybe a little part of me still is. But soon, I learned that those feelings didn't matter, the universe does not care either.

Maybe my mission was to try and keep Levi alive and happy as long as possible. That had to be it.

I would have been ok with that but now ... I don't want that anymore.

I want to be special for me ... for my own selfish reasons. To feel worth, to feel loved, to feel wanted.

"Am I not enough for you?"

"No."

That's why I had to break up with him.

I don't think Levi understands. Someone who's special could never understand the need of wanting to feel important.

Because Levi was a loyal man, devoted to the core to accomplish the dreams of others on his own. A selfless man who prefers to be put through pain than inflicting pain on others.

A man who would be willing to sacrifice the person he loves the most in order to save the world. To prove that the death of his comrades was worth something.

But I can't be like that.

No matter how much I try, I just have to admit that I am selfish. Willing to give up on everything, on the people I love, on the life I created just to give my life some meaning.