Wolf Girl (Book 4)

Chapter 7: Carys

Carys' POV

I feel kind of bad that I didn't go with them, maybe I should be trying to get along with Matei and Emilia. I want us to be friends but I know it can't be forced.

When I wake up from my nap I get up and walk to the window, my head still hurts a lot so I'm really dizzy and find it difficult to walk in a straight line, as I'm walking I notice a mirror in the corner. I see myself, I look awful. The cut on my face isn't that deep but I think it might scar, I have loads of little cuts all over my body but none of them matter, not even the big one. The pain I'm feeling physically doesn't compare to how I'm feeling inside. I'm terrified that Ingrid will try to find me. The letter said she loved me, but her inner wolf wouldn't let her. She hurt me and my family because she was ashamed. I can't go through that again.

I hear the door open, I smell Emilia behind me. "Hi," I say, turning to the window. The trees look extra green today. I'd give anything to be out there.

"Hi, I just wanted to come in here and apologise for being so rude to you, and I didn't thank you properly. Dr Whitewood said you helped a lot when I was unconscious."

"Jana told you that too, I was there," I walk over and sit on my bed, still facing away from her.

"I know, I'm grateful. I really am sorry," she comes to my side of the bed and stops in front of me, I look at my hands. "Just because my brother's a little bit sensitive doesn't mean we can't get along. I'd like to be your friend." I finally look up at her, she looks so ill. She reaches her hand out.

"I'd like to be your friend too." I shake her hand. "Thank you for apologising." We smile at each other. "How are you feeling?"

"Physically or mentally?" She tries to laugh it off but I can see how much she's hurting. "I can't feel my leg, everything else hurts, I feel sick, I'm exhausted; the list goes on. And, if I'm 100% honest I'm absolutely terrified."

"I can only imagine what you're going through, but Jana and Matei, they're here for you, and I am too."

"Thank you."

We spend an hour or so getting to know each other, she tells me all about losing her parents in the fire and how she was bullied in school because of her scar. She says Meinir was the one who helped her through it. I showed her all the scars on my arms, even the ones I'd made myself. She looked shocked. I explained my breakdown and my disorders to her.

"It's weird, you see that kind of thing in books and on TV, but you never think it'll happen to you," I say.

"I guess I can relate in that sense. So when you did it, when you made those scars, what was going through your mind?"

"I don't know, I mean, I remember but I just don't understand. I thought it was what I was supposed to do, the voice in my head was the woman who I thought was my mother and she's dead, she wanted me to be there with her, but really it was all me, I was basically suicidal and I didn't even know it."

"Wow, that's pretty intense."

"Yeah, it was," I find myself reliving that moment in my head, but instead of seeing it from my point of view, it's like I'm looking at myself from another perspective. I've had dreams like this when I was in recovery.

Before I know it, Jana's coming in and sitting down next to me, she can see we were in a pretty deep conversation. She puts her hands on top of mine.

"Are you guys good now?" She asks.

"Yeah, we had a long chat," Emilia says. "I should be getting back to my room, I have another session soon. It was really nice getting to know you, Carys," she smiles at me.

"You too, I'll see you later." She leaves Jana and me.

"I brought you a bagel." I take the paper bag from her. "So what did you two talk about?"

"Everything, literally everything that's happened since her parents died and everything that's happened to me since I first moved to Stoneybridge."

"Does that include me?" She asks in a flirty tone.

"Of course!" I kiss her on the cheek. Out of nowhere, I start to think about Ingrid again. I have this feeling that she's just waiting for the perfect moment to attack me.

"Carys, are you okay?" Jana asks me. "You suddenly went all weird." She takes my hand. I start breathing a little too fast, and I can feel my palms getting sweaty. "Carys?" I can't breathe, my chest is tightening up. I start crying, not much at first but as time passes it becomes more intense. Everything is building up inside me. "Shall I get a nurse?"

"No," I manage to say between breaths, "Just stay."

"I think you're having a panic attack, you just have to sit through it." She keeps a hold of my hand even though I'm squeezing it so hard. I feel like I'm dying, I don't know how to describe it. I've only ever had one panic attack in my life, it was after my mum died, Rhiannon, not my real mum. I had woken up in the middle of the night, and I had forgotten what happened and I went into her room and of course, she wasn't there. I had to run into the forest, running is what keeps me calm, but it didn't really work. I had a panic attack on my own in the middle of the night. At the time it was one of the scariest things that had ever happened to me, but since then I've been through a lot worse.

It's like an explosion of emotions burst out of me. Jana keeps hold of my hand while I basically have a breakdown in front of her. I don't feel embarrassed, not in front of Jana. It takes about half an hour for me to calm down, but I'm still slightly breathless, my throat is all dried up.

"Could you get me a glass of water please?" I ask in a husky voice. Jana kisses me on the head and leaves the room. I lay down in my bed, pull the sheets up and curl up in a ball. My breathing begins to return to a normal pace, my eyes start to close, and just as I'm about to drop off to sleep, I smell her. All the panic comes rushing back, I go straight back into my panic attack. I look around me, it's still full daylight but I can smell, and feel her getting closer, I bring myself to the window, furiously looking for her, but I see nothing, the smell is getting closer and closer by the second, until I feel arms pull me to the floor, and everything goes black.