Short Stories

The Day I Died

I always knew I would die.

And I know what you are thinking.

Not in the way all humans know they are going to die.

As a child I knew I would die young, I felt it. Every time I tried thinking about the future, pasted a certain age, it was dark, void. I couldn't even imagine it. If I tried, I would feel my stomach twist and a sense of impending doom.

I may sound dramatic. And I'm not saying I'm not. However, my life always felt like I was just passing through it, and I knew I was not meant to last long here.

When I turned 18, I was genuinely surprised. I wasn't sure what to do, except keep going.

My sister always had a wish, to donate blood. But you see...she was too scared to go alone. Hence, she waited until I was 18 and could go with her. My mother sometimes donated blood so she decided to go with us. It was going to be a family thing, I suppose.

I'm fairly sure everything went as it was supposed to. We got our blood samples checked and cleared. I mean...almost all of us. My sister was informed she couldn't donate since she had a coagulation problem in her blood. When I heard that I wanted to back out. I was only there because she really wanted to, but I decided that I would do it for her. So many people need emergency blood, and if I could help, then I should. Right?

I don't really like blood. I keep telling myself that it doesn't bother me, but the truth is, it does. It's not like it disgusts me or anything like that...in fact I find it fascinating, but my body doesn't. If I'm standing and watching an open wound, I feel weak. It's like my mind goes into itself and all the sounds of the world get quieter. I hate that feeling.

I remember the male nurse was very sweet and funny. After my mother and I finished giving blood, we had to wait around 30 min before we could even get up.

I remembered how bored I was. I wanted to get up and go home.

The nurse said that we could feel a little weak and asked me if I felt okay. I said I felt fine, so they offered us snacks from the vending machine once the time was up. The machine was in the next room where my sister was waiting for us.

The memories get fuzzy from there.

Walking up to the machine, with my mother and a different nurse, I was trying to chose what I would like to eat. I remember that I didn't have a lot to choose from, but I don't remember what the actual choices were. I'm a very picky eater so I kept looking at the machine, while my mom hurried me to get something and stop wasting the nurse's time.

Sounds got quieter out of nowhere and I instantly knew.

Since I was young, I tend to faint a lot. I'm not sure why. Every time I went to the hospital, they said it was low blood sugar or low arterial tension. However, sometimes it happens right after a meal and my tension is normal. I've become an expert at recognizing the moments right before it happens and I learned how to manage it, making it so that I don't faint a lot anymore, even if I get pretty close often.

Fainting is not scary to me anymore. It's just a part of my life, like breathing.

I almost collapse in places with a lot of people, in hot places, in moments of pressure like a presentation, and sometimes I almost faint just because. So, I was calm. At the risk of sounding crazy, I actually like to faint. Don't get me wrong, I hate the feeling before it happens, it feels awful. But after my mind shuts down for a moment, I wake up, and I feel like I slept for a dozen years, full of an energy I almost never have.

My mom and my sister were also used to this characteristic of mine, and because of that they wanted me to eat something fast, but I didn't have enough time to decide.