So, You're a Fucking Virgin

Chapter 14

Trigger Warning: Torture

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Mrs. Hilary Perkins placed the box of antique coins in her late husband's casket. Under normal circumstances, it would have been an open casket viewing, but given the gruesome nature of Harold's demise, she thought it best not to subject others to such a show. It was better that his friends and family remember him as he was, without a gaping facial wound the size of a hamster.

The last time Harold Perkins' body ever saw the light of day was when Elliot Crandall quietly creaked open the mahogany box. Had Harold simply been put under a sleeping spell, this would be when his Prince Charming, Elliot would have reached in and broken the curse with true love's kiss, however, since Harold was dead by Elliot's hand, the spirit of Harold Perkins could well have guessed what would actually come next. That bastard Elliot snatched Harold's coin collection from his cold dead hands and quickly shut the casket, sealing Harold's body forever inside.

Elliot fumbled to get the box under his jacket and in the kerfuffle to remain inconspicuous, one coin escaped the box. A misprinted US quarter rolled under the kitchen cabinet.

Allison Perkins spoke in pleading tones to her boyfriend on the other end of the phone. Ever since she moved in with her grandmother, to help her out with daily tasks, he had felt a distance both physical and emotional growing between them. Allison could just make out a female voice in the background of the call.

"Are you seriously hanging out with your ex tonight? I'm stuck here and you're with her?" she asked.

Muffled on the phone, one could just make out "You know she's dating Rick now. Nothing's gonna happen."

"I don't trust her; she hates me." Allison started before she was cut off by more frustrated noises and promises from the other end of the line.

The doorbell pulled Allison away from the argument with her boyfriend. She returned to the kitchen to make some tea and put cookies on a tray. When she next returned, it was to clean out the teapot she had used earlier. Not the good, fancy one she put on the tray. The one she used to actually heat the water. Forgetting that sometimes hot things are hot and thinking too much of the idea of her boyfriend cheating on her with his ex she promptly burned her hand on the scalding pot, sending the receptacle clattering to the ground.

That's when Dean came in to see if she was ok. He immediately had her hand under cold water, taking care of her. And thinking of her boyfriend probably shtupping his ex at that very moment and of the nice (admittedly hot) federal agent taking care of her, she decided to see what she could make happen. She reached up with her non-burnt hand and pulled Dean in for a kiss. He had been hesitant, at first, but she kept going. So, he kept going, even against his better judgement and the voice in his head screaming This is not _____. Stop being stupid. She's in the next room. That thought must have been a beacon to you, because that's when you showed up and caught him with Allison.

Allison went to pick up the, now broken, kettle and mop up the water that had spilled, when she found the quarter underneath the kitchen cabinet and thought nothing of slipping it in her pocket.

Instantly, she felt something come over her. She knew what she had to do. That night she went to her boyfriend's house. When he met her at the door she greeted him with a wanting kiss. In the afterglow of their sex, while he slept, she slipped down to the kitchen and got a butcher knife. And well, you know the rest.

Immediately, after performing the overzealous bris, she came to, realized what she had done and immediately called 911. (Also, she dropped his severed penis on the ground because, ew.)