So, You're a Fucking Virgin

Chapter 2

You were wrong.

This was the actual worst.

Sitting in a Sunday school room of a church with about 10 virgins, Sam and Dean as they all talked about their commitment to faith and struggles with maintaining their purity.

Ho-lee shit. Where the fuck is that goddamn dragon when you need him? Kill me now.

You had just finished listening to about five minutes of Tammy's new verse entitled "Sex is a Racket and God's Ball is in Your Court" when the leader, Suzy, thankfully called a to-be-continued on it and instead focused her attention towards you newcomers.

"Sam, what brought you here to reclaim your virginity?" she asked.

Sam cleared his throat and flipped his hair. You had learned that this was an obvious sign of his wavering attention, and acted as a play to give himself a second to get back to the conversation at hand.

"Well, I guess because every woman I've ever had, ummm, relations with...it hasn't ended well. At all." Sam offered.

"He ain't lying." Dean interjected, smiling over at you knowingly.

"Thank you for being here, Sam. Stay strong. Stay pure." Suzy consoled. "And what about you, Dean? What set you on the path away from sin?"

It took every fiber of your being not to laugh at that.

"Uh, hard to say, exactly. Yeah. Sex has always felt -- I don't know -- good, you know? I mean, really, really good. Uh...But, uh... Sometimes, it just makes you feel bad, you know? You're drunk. You shack up." Dean smiled "Then, it's the whole morning thing. You know, "Hey, that was fun." And then, "adios," you know? Always the 'adios.' But, you know, when you get down to it, what's the big deal, right? I mean, sure, there's the touching and the feeling all of each other, my hands everywhere..."

Holy fucking hell. Dean was describing mind blowing sex to a room full of virgins. What the hell was he thinking? And goddammit, it was kind of...hot? Dammit, it was really hot. You looked up at him from where your hand was firmly planted across your face in embarrassment, shooting him a look of death, urging him to wrap it up.

"But the whole thing was just a little too, uh...sticky. So, uh, I got my "V" card back. The end." he finished, finally slapping his leg for emphasis.

You looked around the room at the other women. Shower heads around town would definitely be getting a workout that night.

Suzy turned her attention towards you. Oh god. It was your turn.

"____, you're up."

"Ummm... what would you like to know?"

"Same as Sam and Dean. Why have you chosen purity over the wicked ways of the body?"

"Well, Suzy. I don't really know if I have..." you started a little too honestly "I mean I didn't choose this."

"Hmmm...yes. It chose you. You heard God calling to you to repent your horrible dirty disgusting ways."

"Yeah, sure."

"Tell us more."

You put up your hands at a slight loss and huffed like a put upon teenager.

"I...ok...so I'm going through a little bit of a dry spell anyways, if I'm going to be honest here. And it's...frustrating. Very sexually frustrating. To have to always think about this thing that I'm not getting. That I can't possibly have. And it's not like it's intrusive. Or it;s really disrupting my life. But it's always just like there reminding me that I'm not up to grade."

"You've made the right decision, re-committing yourself to Christ's love. He will absolve you from those sinful thoughts of the body so you don't have to worry about making the grade. He will take that option off the board so you don't even have to think about it. At least until marriage, that is."

Sam and Dean side eyed you, suspicious, both on the cusp of an answer to a riddle that had previously never even occurred to them.