Simple Poetry

Reflection

Authors note
This is less of a poem and more of a rant, and im sure someone out there can relate to is, major trigger warning for negative body image and self harm, do not continue if such subjects are or can be triggering towards yourself.
Please everyone look out for yourselves. You are what matters never put anyone's needs before your own. And do not compare trauma with others and invalidate what you have experienced and been through.

Each and everyone of you matter and I love you.

I can not stand to look at myself
Not only because of the way I perceive myself.
But I hate the so called "pitiful" expression my face has adapted to
And not only have I gotten used to it, but my friends now call it my "resting bitch face"

To my friends, my facade has officially convinced them I am okay
That nothing is wrong with me
I'm
Happy
And well

All is good in the world

But sometimes I just lay there at night and I just pray
Not to any god in particular, I'm not at all religious
But I pray that someone, just 1 of my friends will text me and ask me if I'm ok
And even if I say I am
I want them to tell me they know thats not true
I want to be told its going to be okay
Even if it isnt right now
I want some kind of reassurance

Because right now, looking at my teary eyed expression

I can only think about how ugly and pathetic i look

When i was young whenever i would cry my mother would lift me up, above my bathroom sink
And tell me, how ugly and disgusting i look when i cry
And if I wanted to be beautiful I needed to stop
Other times she would quote on quote, tell me to "mute" myself
To muffle my crys because my "father might hear me"

And that only made it worse

Im afraid to cry infront of my parents
Infact i cant remember the last time I have

To be honest with you its rare for even me to see myself cry
Its like it won't come out
It comes in waves live every few months

Even if its the only thing I want to do
Nothing happens

When i look at myself in my reflection its disgusting to see all of the unwanted lumps on my body

The fat in my armpits

The way my stomach protrudes out
Making it very clear it is there

The way my hip dips go in and out

The way my upper arm looks like ovals

The way my chest isnt as perky as id like

The way my ribcage feel like it is constantly in the way

The way my fingers dont touch when i hold my wrist

The scars littered across my body

My 2nd chin when I smile in pictures

The way my jawline looks from the side

How thick and frizzy my curly hair can look from the side

My chubby fingers and my bitten nails

My surgery scar that the docter promised would go away

Its been 8 years

My height still stuck at 5'0 and my own boyfriend thinking its weird and annoying

My horrible humor and dark jokes that are now "so annoying" and bother those around me

I do not like to wear make up cause the first thing that comes out of my father's mouth is "who do u think you are dressing up for" and apparently myself is not an option

I hate the way i wobble when i walk

All I want is to not be perceived as:

"fat"

"ugly"

"Loud"

"Annoying"

"Bitchy"

And until I can look at myself and see a beautiful thing staring back at me

I will continue to skip meals

I will continue to allow the sick feeling, that follows whenever i do let myself eat, to help me purge it back up

Im in a marching band, and its required that I at least try to eat
So i will not faint on field
It terrifies me to death thinking that someone would have to carry me off field
The burden that would put on them
And the embarrassment if they considered me heavy.

So I eat lunch
Plus because of marching band i loose all those calories anyways right?
I really hope so

I currently do not know my weight
But i wish i did

Last time i checked i was 156 and I passed out due to blood loss in my arm
Woke up the next morning without anyone finding out

I remember when i was in 7th grade and i weighed about 128

I told myself I would kill myself if i passed 135 pounds.

And I almost did

Ever since then the battery in our scale died so i haven't been able to update myself on my weight loss journey

I mean for all i know it could be a weight gain journey

It hurts to think about that and i can only pray that im wrong

Until I can finally look myself in the eye and be ok with who I am.
I can and i will continue to criticize, and skip meals, and wish I could cry, and pray to whatever god there is out there and just hope someone will see what pain im going through, and maybe save me.