What did I do?

Chapter four

In this moment, right here and there, he wishes wholeheartedly he could vanish into thin air. Never to be seen again. He doesn't need to wish that everyone would forget about him, since it seems to have already happened.

He has never felt this bad since middle-school and that says a lot. The reason, you ask?

He's been paranoid at practices ever since the team started acting weirdly, no reason seeming to come in sight, so he has come up with a hefty list of reasons why this could be happening.

That in turn has made him feel off, because each thing that he can come up with is worse than the last one. 

At the very least, this doesn't affect his performance that badly, seeing as he isn't really participating anymore. He swears he has spiked a maximum of three balls in the last week and he has too much energy to spare.

Energy that vanishes every time he enters his home, therefore the only thing he can force himself to do is homework and sometimes eat his dinner.

(It tastes horribly and it hasn't stayed down a single time. He always throws up as soon as he can process the day and the way the other first years avoid him. 

He hates how big of an impact they had on him. If he gets so attached to everybody just for them to leave him in the end, won't he be a broken piece of pottery that will never be fixed.

Will someone stitch him up with gold? It'd be a dream come true to look as beautiful as the kintsugi his grandmother has left him before her death.

He'll probably never know the answer. He'll either be long dead or too numb to care by then.)

He doesn't know what changed, and at the rate things are going, he'll never find out.

He curses himself for not having the courage to just, go up to the team, slap every single one of them to maybe bring some sense to their little brains so they'd realize how much they've been hurting him lately.

At least this way, he could end the so called friendship with style. Isn't that how other people like to go out?

(He doesn't like to think about the way others don't tend to think of their own deaths with the ease he does.

If he'd come back to it more often, he'd realize how screwed up his mental health is and ask for some help.

But right now, he'll continue to fantasize about his passing like there's no tomorrow.)

He had gotten a bit used to how the others treat him. Well, more like not treat him, since his existence seems to have disappeared from their daily lives.

Then the world had to drop a bomb on his head, and bam! He now has to go to a week long training camp.

It would be easier to lie and say his mother doesn't allow him to come. He's sure the others would be grateful that they'll be able to stay in their comfort zones.

On the other hand, he's petty. Why should he be the only one to suffer? Let them be uncomfortable around him all they want, but he's still part of the team. He has a right to come.

He's sure he would be able to convince a setter from another team to set him some balls. He's getting out of practice and he needs to get some exercise in.

Who knows when the team will be forced to put him in a game? They'd never do it willingly, but the less than favorable situation may show itself up. He'd be happy if it happened.

Living proof that the universe hates others too.

That he's not some unfortunate soul that has been chosen to be bullied by the gods.

(He needs to stop acting like some victim.

Other people have it so much worse. That's what he's always been told and it's true.

But even if others suffer and he's still asking for help, it shouldn't make him selfish, right? He deserves as much help as they do.

The world would be a better place if people would be willing to love others more. Show some sympathy.

But we're taught since kids to only care for our own necks.

You can't fight something that's ingrained in your skin. Your blood.

You can just teach others to do better.

If you even realize you're wrong in the first place, of course. 

  

Most people don't.)

He has another week before he'll be stuck with them for so long. He doesn't like the change in his mindset. That he started feeling like spending time around them is bad.

But people adapt with their environment, and he doesn't feel welcomed on the court, so there he is.

Another week until he'll be probably forced to find out what's been happening with them.

He doesn't really like that the time may come so soon. The wound they left because he now knows he wasn't good enough are still there, and they'll be drenched in sea water once that confrontation starts.

But our grandmothers always teach us that the salty water helps us heal.

Maybe it will be the push he has been needing so he can repair his mental health. Or maybe it will be his downfall.

You can never know what happens until the moment it does.

(You can predict though.

He knows he'll never heal. His brain has been like this for a long time and some silly push won't fix it. 

One can hope though. Hope is always an option.

One that will hurt you, but still an option nonetheless.

He'll have to wait and see.

You'll have to wait too.)

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Kintsugi is japanesse pottery that has been broken, and then repaired with gold, silver or platinum.

I hope you liked this chapter! I have a question, though. Are longer chapter that come less often better, or is the style I've been having good?

See you next chapter!