seasons

one

march 26th, 2015

5 a.m.
i hope i know what it feels to be okay.

i woke up to look at the clock that says 5am. it's a thursday gloomy morning. it was humid outside because of the pouring rain last night. he told me i was like the rain because it was beautiful, but then again, he told me he loved me and always will, but it seems a lot different now. i wish he loved me again, but he has her, and she's much more perfect than me.

i truly am fucking hopeless. it's 5am and i'm comparing everything to him, of us, of our memories together. i just want to forget it all, but every time we talk, every time i look at him, our memories come to me like a bullet, and he's behind the trigger. it's like he's the only one in the room. he's the killer and i'm the victim, he's the only one who is here to save me. why would the killer save the victim? there's a bullet hole in my heart and he's the only one able to repair it.

6 a.m.
i hope i can forget him one day, but i know it's not today

i finally wake up trying to forget any memories of him. they were gone in my sleep, but i wake up and the thoughts of him are all gathered up into one big ball that creates my brain. why can't he come back? i'm miserable without him.

i get out of bed. at this time i would be waking up to his good morning text. i don't even bother looking at my phone, it would just be filled of quotes that remind me of him.

after i finish thinking about him while straightening my hair, i try not to cry after i'm done. i get dressed into this (http://www.polyvore.com/m/set?.embedder=11628043&.svc=copypaste&id=154061117) and get ready for the bus. more smiles to fake 5 days a week. behind my gnashing teeth are everything i've been dying to say.

-

9 a.m.
i hope he thinks about me and maybe misses me.

he's probably gone forever. but the little unlike chance that could come is what's keeping me from letting go. i can't let him go, he was my everything, he is my everything.

science class. it may be the most boring class, but in the two tables behind me is where he sits. to hear his calming voice, to talk to him like nothing ever happened, to see him smile, to see his beauty, is all i want to have again. i really do miss him a lot. the way his eyes sparkle sets a spark in my heart, and although i want to scream to him that i miss him, i just keep shut. maybe one day i'll explode. i want to explode, but i can't. it's this fear of rejection that just eats me up.

in that class we learned about galaxies, and while i was thinking about the galaxies in his eyes, we learned about how big galaxies are and how you can get lost in them, but i think i got lost in him, all of me got lost in him. maybe he knows that, maybe he just enjoys the fact that i'm lost but maybe i'm lost and he can't find me. but i'll never know.

i'm lost in his galaxy.

-

3 p.m.
i hope he'll realize she doesn't love him and that he loves someone else.

i open my locker with the fake smile that has lasted for the past 6 hours straight. i turn around and see them hugging. exactly the way we used to.

my heart sinks all the way down to my stomach. the only difference between them & us is that i actually love him, while she loves someone else.

the first thing i can say is "aww." and fake an even bigger smile. my world is sinking. does he still love me too? i just need him one last time. one last time.

i walk downstairs to go to my bus, where i have to wait an hour just to go home. someone comes up to me and asks if i'm okay.

i'll never know what to answer to that question. because nothing is wrong, but everything is wrong. i am wrong. the world is wrong. but life is okay, no, life is shitty, but it's still okay.

"bus 15" the school guidance counselor calls. my bus. i just want to get away from this fucking school. tomorrow will be the last day here for a week because of spring break, but sometime i don't want to go anywhere or say anything, but i have to before the things i say in my head come from other people.

4 p.m.
i hope he will know how much he means to me and that i miss him one day.

i walk in the door- no, i barge in through the door, stomping my feet from the cement through the floor of my house and start crying. the thought of them hugging-of them loving each other- makes me fucking sick.

i just want to call him and ask why the hell doesn't he care about me? why doesn't he care about us? why doesn't he love me like he did before? why did we end? what did i do?

instead of asking him, i scream at the world. what the hell did i do to deserve this? my life has been a living hell since he left me! he said he would never hurt me! he said he would never leave me! but now he's gone and i'm hurt and he won't fix it!

i go up to my room and grab a cigarette from the hiding place where i keep them. i put on lullabies by all time low and start smoking into the foggy windy air and just calm down. i fucking love him. why does he love her? she doesn't love him like she loves the other boy. why can't he see?

he's a drug i've become addicted to and it hurts that i can't be with him. the only thing that stops the craving is his laugh, his smile, and his words.

-

10 p.m.
i hope i can feel okay.

i look up at the stars. i wish for him to love me back. i scream questions to the moon. i just know i do deserve this, and i don't know why, but i do.

i wish for him to love me too instead of wishing to let him go. maybe it's because what we had wasn't worth letting go in the first place, he let go. but for me, i don't think i ever will, i don't think i can.

i go inside from my wishes and screams and get ready for bed. one more day and i will be done seeing him with her, finally.

please come back.