The Consultant - NaNoWriMo2021

Chapter 12

I knock on Felix's door, but there is no sound. I never text in advance because of incriminating messages being left lying around to be read, but we discussed it at the party so I know he will be here. Filthy old toad is probably preening in the bathroom; working himself up for a session. I pop a couple of sedatives and then turn the handle.

Felix's study is a mess as usual. His desk is covered in stacks of papers as is much of the floor surrounding it, and the walls are plastered in post its, notes and photos of manuscripts. The sofa and chairs where he holds tutorials with his students are covered in his discarded clothing, and lying on a table, waiting for me I assume, is a leather strap and a cane.

I straighten up the sofa and shrug off my coat. Fortunately, despite the winter chill, his rooms are warm; God bless Oxford University's central heating system, and I smooth down my tiny skirt and tie up my hair, just the way he likes, in the reflection from one of the many pictures. It's still silent so I take a step towards the adjoining bedroom. It's supposed to be his private study so he can work without being disturbed when his students are here, but ever the pragmatist, Felix uses it to store his overflowing book collection, and to house a divan bed, ostensibly in case he needs to spend the night, but in reality for us to sleep in. On the table in the tiny hallway, where the bathroom is, I notice two wine glasses, wine already poured. One glass is almost empty, I guess Felix got started early, but as I peer closer, I see the other one has a smear of lipstick. Could this have been from before? My stomach does a little somersault; please don't let this be what I think it is.

I push open the bedroom door, aware now of the breathing that I can hear on the other side. Felix is lying on his back, eyes gazing at the ceiling with a look of ecstasy on his face, and some girl, some unknown naked girl is on her knees; her hair covering her face but her smooth body dominating my view.

I stand there, transfixed and horrified in equal measure. I can't tear my eyes away from the scene in front of me, but all I can think is that this must be a mistake. I'm still staring, slack-jawed, when Felix becomes aware of my presence.

'Fin!' He tries to sit up, pushing the girl away and scrambling for the covers.

'What are you doing here?' I just stand and stare. It had never, not once occurred to me that I wasn't the only one. I didn't know how to react; I was cold, devoid of any emotional response.

Felix had grabbed his trousers and hopped about, putting them on. For the first time I noticed his sagging chest, his white skin that I had always found somehow reminiscent of the poets he studied with such ardour, except now I saw it was the canvas for the thick greying hair that covered most of his body. I had never noticed before, or if I had, I don't remember. He slung a dress at the girl who had snatched up the sheet and was covering herself; she was young, almost certainly an undergrad and she looked petrified. Perhaps he had told her about me, but I doubt it. More likely she thought I was here on legitimate business and she had been discovered, pleasuring her professor. If I was a fellow undergrad, that would be the end of her reputation as news of Felix's conquest made the rounds of the halls of residence, but I'm not remotely interested in that waif, whoever she is.

'Fin, I can explain.' I let Felix herd me backwards, out of the bedroom and into his study and I barely noticed that he touched me as we went. He closed the door behind him and stood up straight, rubbing his eyes and then, taking his shirt from the sofa where I had folded it, covered his hairy torso. Walking over to his desk, he pulled out a glass and some scotch and poured a healthy measure, which he proceeded to knock back like it was medicine. He poured another and then turned to face me.

'Fin. This is not how it looks; it just sort of happened but you know how I feel about you.'

I became suddenly aware that I was standing in Felix's study dressed like a cheerleader, with my pom poms now dumped on the floor beside me. It occurred to me that far from looking like a jilted lover, I resembled a desperate and tragic figure for whom it was just now occurring how stupid she had been. Yes, Felix was obviously cheating on me and yes, I now realise I am simply one in a line of women, probably students, who have fallen for his charms, but really, this is my fault. I let myself be convinced, no, to be fair, I convinced myself that this relationship was just that, a relationship. I thought it was something real, that Felix was a decent man, trapped in a loveless marriage that had run its course. How could I be so stupid not to see it; it's literally the oldest cliché in the book.

'Fin. Please. Say something.' Felix had finished his drink and poured another, and he was looking at me with pleading eyes, though now I could see that his face had a calculating edge to it; he was wondering if I would make a scene or stay silent to protect my own reputation. I suspect that deep down, he was hoping forlornly I might simply ignore his infidelity and carry on as normal, though quite how that would be possible with the girl still in his bedroom I am not sure.

'I wore this for you, but it seems you have other things to keep you occupied.' I surprise myself with how quiet my voice was. I step back and collect my coat from where I had placed it over the arm of the sofa. I am embarrassed; the hurt and humiliation will no doubt come later, but I am also disappointed. I had made the decision to partake fully in Felix's games and I was ready, but that wouldn't happen now. Perversely, that's what pisses me off as much as anything; being denied the chance to play sex games and instead, go back to my silent room alone. I was kind of crushed.

'Fin. Please. We can talk about this.' I was forming the appropriately cutting and vengeful things to say to him when a thought pops unbidden into my head. What if I can use this? What if I can use it to my advantage and blame any repercussions on going above and beyond the call of duty in my assignment for SIS? If I don't react like the spurned girlfriend, bitter and angry, but instead forgive him, will that help me to continue my investigation? Certainly if the relationship between me and Felix becomes awkward, impossible even, then getting to know his wife will be much more difficult, but if I go in a different direction, I retain my hold over him; the threat of exposure. Perhaps there is a solution where, at least in the short term, everyone gets what they want. I smile, and Felix looks terrified.

'Okay,' I say, 'I'm going to walk down to the shop and buy some more wine. I suggest you take the opportunity to allow your new friend to dress and leave, and then I shall return and we can talk.'

He looks suspicious; this was not what he had expected, but in the end, his eternal hope that he might recover the situation asserts itself and he agrees. I button up my coat and step outside, back into the freezing wind, already formulating my plan.