Vampire Love is Crazy *LBGT Friendly*

Introduction

"Sigh"... Eww, that sounded horrible. Let’s try to make it sound sexy. "Siiigghh". No, no, no, now I just sound like I should be using an oxygen tank. Oh just forget it. These damn self- help tapes are such a waste of money. Glad I didn't pay for them... I took them out of a trashcan behind sears, and I should have left them there. Haha, One point for me! I think to myself as I sit up on the old dusty cot that I kindly rescued from the "It’s not good enough to sell" abyss known as Goodwill's dumpster. It’s that off color green that reminds you of baby poop, with a rip down the middle, but nothing a little bright yellow duct tape can’t fix.

I realized I'm  blankly staring at my TV, which is the size of an iPod. And the screen flickers so badly, that if I were I small child a seizure would be inevitable. Ugggh, what is that odor? Oh yeah, that’s me. You forget that bodies can make that smell when you don't have the convenience of a shower. You would think being the lover to the Heir of the vampire dynasty would grant you better accommodations.

*BANG*BANG*BANG*... Really? Not this again. "Cut it out Herb!" I yell. Herb is my eccentric neighbor who thinks that he's Bruce Willis, but in reality he's a 5 foot tall, 203 pound guy with Down Syndrome that resembles a bald baby with a hairy body and a foot long beard! *BANG*BANG*

”I'm not going to tell you to stop again!" I yell.

"Not my name!" Herb reminds me.

"Oookkay Bruce, STOP IT or you going to be in big trouble" I say.

 "You know what I want." Herb replies.

I groan as I lift open the door and toss him a chocolate chip granola bar.

“Yippee!" Herb yells, as he does best to skip down the hallway to his unit. He trips on the extension cord that is running across floor, slamming in to the wall and rolling into the floor. He pops in a millisecond while doing his best superman pose " Me not hurt, me tuff'" he exclaims.

 What he didn’t realize, is that he wasn’t a superhero, and that he could heal quite quickly because he was the result of half-vampire in an incestuous relationship. Nasty, right? I mean you can live forever, but to bone your sibling? Some people really need to see a shrink. But I love Herb, so I guess out of their disgusting love affair, came one of the most important people to me.

I can’t do anything but crack a smile as I remind him “Hey, we have to be quiet there are people trying to sleep it's 7 o'clock in the morning, and if you are good I will bring you a big cheeseburger for lunch".

“Cheeseburger!” yells Herb loudly.

“Shush” I say.

His eyes get wide and he puts his finger to his mouth "Shhh..." and does his best detective roll into his unit. I can’t help but giggle. He pops his head out shushes me again and slams the door, and turns his cartoons on so loud the can hear them from the moon.

“Ha-ha” I chuckle to myself.

As I sit back down and I look around, at my tattered coot, my shameful TV, my mini fridge, a hot plate with 3 different cords taped together with electrical tape to generate a lukewarm heat. Then I take a quick look at my reflection in the mirror on the wall that Herb and his "Friends" made for me down at the center. It was one of those mirrors with the fake aluminum glass with buttons around the edge. He made it pretty for me. It was more glue than mirror, but boy did I love it. "That is not a face I want to kiss," I say as I blow a kiss to myself. And last but not least a rug that looks as if it spent its short time under a child’s easel board at a daycare center. Junk, junk, junk! All my neighbors were winnows, drug addicts, mentally impaired or just deemed insane!  They urinated in public, swam in the local fountain, even got arrested for streaking now and again.

Well that’s how they appeared to the normal person. Yep. The normal person, who I am not, no thanks to my extremely fucked up genes. A bunch of freaks, and I loved it and all it's crazy.  Like a gold digger loves an Eighty-Fice year old sugar daddy near death. My name James, Josh, Joe and even Jose, whichever you prefer. They are all me. Anyhow I am going to tell you how, me, a 23 year-old man with a degree, comes from a nearly normal middle-class family and looks that 90% of American women would kill for. Hush! I know what  I said, it doesn’t matter what you think. It has taken me forever to gain my confidence. Like I was saying, I live in a Go-Go Storage with temperature controlled units, working under-the-table at a less than respectable diner, with those cliché pink and white waitress outfits, in a nowhere town in the middle of Alabama.

I did tell you I was a guy right? Oh and did I mention I couldn’t be happier? Let’s start out with meeting me. Well, the first me anyway. Right before my freaky gifts and uncanny bad taste for men started me on this insane adventure known as my life. 

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