Lonnie

First day of School

Before i went to bed. I decided to get out of my shell, wear no mask, and be myself. The day has come, the birds are chirping, the loud sizzling noise i hear when my mother's cooking breakfast, and the cold morning breeze. All these good things that surround me in the morning fill me with hope. I will have as many friends as possible, the first impression is the most important. With that mindset figured out, i got ready for school, i ate breakfast, drank my coffee, took a bath, brushed my teeth, and i put on my uniform. After i got ready, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, i saw someone i've never seen before. Usually i see a fake smile and an easygoing person, now i see a fresh looking 17 year old boy, with lazy dark brown eyes, wet hair, and he seems like he got rid of some unnecessary weight that has rested on his shoulder for years without him even noticing. That guy is me, i feel relieved, i feel glad, but i also feel afraid. All this time i've been wearing a mask based on who i am talking to, i know my roles and my scripts are listed out in my head. It's like I'm an actor acting out for the very person I'm talking to. But without my script, without my mask, what would i do? I feel anxious, what if my classmates wouldn't like me? What if they wouldn't like the real me? What if it is all hopeless? I would just be the laughing stock of our class. It is hopeless, let's stop this, i want to put on my mask, i don't want to get out of my shell just yet, i don't want to be me. As those thoughts linger in my head, i couldn't hear a sound, i couldn't see a sight, i couldn't smell a scent, i couldn't feel, i couldn't taste. It was like i was in another world, filled with darkness, nothing in sight, nothing, it is all empty, i, am empty.

With the numbness i felt in the morning, my first day of school suddenly seemed dull. I was excited for this and was preparing for the worst, and yet the worst is yet to come but i am already giving up. I mustn't, i mustn't give up. I picked myself back up again like i always did, i grabbed my bag and left for school. I was anxious on the inside but what was showing on the outside was an awkward smile, with fearful eyes. I was scared, i was panicking on the inside. No one knew what i was going through, everyone seems so excited for the first day but here i am having an anxiety attack.

*/Pat */pat pat

I felt a pat on my shoulders, it felt calming, but, who was it? I looked behind and saw a friend. Someone i know, i don't know if i am happy or sad that they are here with me but they are here at a critical time. Someone who knows me by my mask might calm me down. "Maybe, maybe with this i can put off the free Lonnie, i might as well put on my mask for now." I thought to myself as i proceeded to greet her good morning. Everything is going well but not going as planned, i wanted to be free, get rid of my mask but here i am still wearing it. The day goes on and i was still a happy go lucky boy, i was still an extrovert, i was still, i was still inside my shell. Maybe i wasn't ready, maybe i wasn't prepared, maybe i'm afraid.

End of Chapter