anodyne

chapter 9

as he finally enters the dorm, after struggling with doors because his trembling hands made it hard to turn the handle, everything seems so quiet. despite all the members being gathered in the living room, this is so horribly quiet.

several heads turn towards his direction. he makes eye contact with every member, one by one. sometimes he can see hope, sometimes sadness, someone's eyes exude concern or tiredness, and the last one his sight meets with is hyunsuk. in hyunsuk's eyes, there is anxiety, jihoon knows the other well and he is sure the older is dying out of worry for the one with a fever in the bed.

the other leader gets up from the coach after letting go of haruto's hand which he had been caressing the whole time, probably to give the other comfort, and approaches jihoon slowly and carefully, as if getting closer to the ticking bomb.

"jihoonie, you..."

"where is mashiho? is he with doyoung?"

only at this moment did the other notice that he had met with only nine pairs of eyes, not ten.

"yes, he has been taking care of him for some time now and..."

"he may get sick as well. I will change him now, I can take care of my boyfriend."

before hyunsuk can open his mouth and let out a word, jihoon is gone. he rushes to the respective room, his hands trembling uncontrollably again as he gets closer. his heart started pounding too, it happened every time he was about to see his loved one. today however differed, for his heart was abundant in guilt and "what if" questions.

"what if I stayed with him that morning? what if I haven't left but lie down again, kiss him more, hug him, comfort him, just stay? what if I was a better friend, a better boyfriend, a better hyung?"

he stands in front of the right doors and is just about to push it when mashiho emerges on his way. their eyes meet, the silence prevails. they just look at each other, talking without words. jihoon knows. he knows that he is the one to blame. if he had been interested in doyoung, if he had wanted to get involved in his life, in his affairs, in his everyday life, doyoung would never end up pinned to his bed in a poor state.

jihoon thought that if he kisses him a few times every day if he cuddles with him in the morning and shows his gratitude late at night, it would suffice. but the relationship means something more. a lot more actually but jihoon was too immature despite being one of the eldest members. he acted like a foolish teenager in love. infatuated with another person to the point he is ready to admire them, to shower them with love, to buy them gifts and remember about the important anniversaries. nevertheless, such a love forgets to value the other person, to make the other heart look similar to yours, attach two hearts and make one, stronger, and more beautiful.

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