Seeing Amon made her feel too much at the same time.
Anger was the easiest choice, the one that would protect her like armour. So she laced her voice with it as she called him "former investigator".
He flinched. Good.
At least, it was supposed to be, until guilt festered in her, forcing her gaze away from him and onto Maris Stella. Amon had gone through horrors she couldn't imagine. She shouldn't be harsh.
But memories flashed—of flowers before a grave, of a little keychain she'd worn out, of the glasses of alcohol she'd tried to entertain… she had gone through a lot too.
She glanced at him. He was sitting down on the end of the bed, hands folded in his lap and looking for all the world like a downcast puppy. It was an image she could see happening in the past.
If only they could go back in time, and she could remove the entirety of the last two years from her mind. That would be nice.
Nice, but impossible.
She petted Maris Stella, who purred and leaned into her hand, seeming content now that she was reunited with her owner. At least her cat had stayed with her, even as people kept leaving her. She had that much to be glad for… right?
"I'm sorry—"
"Thanks for bringing me Maris Stella," she interrupted.
What would an apology do now? It was meaningless. A mere word. It wouldn't change what she had gone through.
"For the past few years," she said quietly, continuing to pet her cat. "I thought you had died. I buried my emotions and threw myself into my work."
She still remembered how it had hurt, whenever she turned her head to ask him for something and realised his space was empty, all the times she thought of him and had to remind herself he was gone. The love she harboured had turned into thorns, relentlessly pricking at her from the inside unless she learnt to hide it away.
Now what was she supposed to do? Pretend none of it had happened because he returned? How ridiculous.
"I don't need your apology," she continued. "I'm not angry, and I'm not glad. I'm just… confused."
That was the word. Her world had turned upside-down, the people she knew had become something else entirely—Takizawa, Haise—and she had thrown away her life and home in the choice of a moment. As if all that wasn't enough, Amon was here too, eliciting an ache in her that she didn't know how to deal with.
He had listened to her without saying a thing, but his expression was pained in a way that made her chest tighten and her eyes prickle. Leave, she wished, leave and never come back so I won't have to feel so much.
So I won't have to fear losing you again.
"Let me know if you need anything."
He left, and she clamped down on the desire to call him back.
