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20Anemoia

Anemoia

nostalgia for a time you've never known.

This world is dark. You can't see anything ahead of you it's so dark. And when you look behind you, the past becomes more blurry as you dive deeper into the future so it can be present. Some people are just looking for a light at the end of the road, but the only thing they find at the end of it is an unpleasant reality.

Every time I reached out my hand it was torn away from me and ripped apart, I guess that's just how life works?

Now I'm back in the same hospital bed. I've been here for...A large portion of my life. But it's getting tiring. It smells the same, it's like it's rubbed off on me over the past years.

I really miss Atsushi.

I hope he'll visit.

I don't think I have much longer left.

.

..

...

*Atsushi pov*

Maybe I shouldn't tell them? Looking over to Dazai and Chuuya, seemingly happy as ever, I really couldn't destroy it. I couldn't bring myself to tell them, it felt like I'd be dumping my problems onto them.

I mean...Maybe I am overthinking?

But then again it's unlikely.

I cant help but think since last night, just how much I love him yet despise him.

Part of me tells me I should visit. Salvage our relationship and get more information.

But I'm anxious and scared,

"Hey Atsushiii~!!" A brunet called out, catching my attention.

"-Hm?" I hummed out unexpectedly as my thoughts were ripped from my head.

"You're going to go visit Akutagawa today right? The doctors called and said you can now~~!"

"Oh..." I stood there staring at him, my expression showed through what should have been happiness. I could tell he saw it, and it scared me.

"I'll make sure to visit him then." I cracked a smile, one that was bent out of shape, rusty, and painful. I stood there for a moment as if I was lost with no directions.

Well..What now?

I guess I should visit him.

But I really don't want to.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Visiting hours are open!"

"Ah of course-." I muttered, taking slow steps to the door. My hands were shaking, they shook uncontrollably where it felt noticeable and probably was. I felt sick like vomit was piling up in my throat and my stomach was too weak to handle it.

I just opened the door and walked out without another word. I probably forgot a lot of things, like my phone and a jacket, maybe even socks. But I felt so numb it didn't really matter.

Swallowing thickly every moment the name Ryunosuke passed my mind,

My heart beating fast,

Why...Why did I feel this way?

I just couldn't understand it, every word or thought I meant to say got stuck in my throat.

I felt dizzy, I feel dizzy. My head feels like a weight too heavy to carry.

I was on autopilot the entirety of the trip there, the long and blurry trip.

I heard my stomach growl at me, I must be hungry. I just couldn't feel it.