BSD ~ Waffles!! ~ Shin soukoku & Soukoku

Happiness without you, - Epilogue

I guess, I never really knew you. I never learned what your favorite sport was when you were younger, what your family is like, your childhood home and memories...But at the same time, I'm only realizing you never had any of that. And only now do I know that. But...It's simply too late to comfort you. Part of me...This guilty horrible part of me thinks maybe I shouldn't have ever talked to you. Like I should have left you be. Leaving you there, maybe I made it all worse. Yet at the same time, I love our memories. But I never even truly tried to understand you. I was so selfish. I stay up at night thinking of what I could have done right, but it all comes to one conclusion.

I just don't know.

And I hate myself for that.

A boy, skinny and pale reflected in the puddle with a smile, yet how it contorted sometimes it became a frown.

You haunt me, you know.

It's not like I hate it.

I just see you everywhere.

The boy staring at them just continued on, stomping into the puddle. He bit his lower lip as he dug his hands into his coats pocket, so deep in thought he accidentally bumped into someone. It was a seemingly young woman with long blonde hair, desolate blue eyes, and reeked of alcohol and weed. He apologized, but she didn't respond.

I know you would want me to move on.

That's really hard to do though.

Fresh tears slipped down the boy's cheeks, staining his fluffy white jacket.

But I'm trying.

I'm really trying to live a happy life without you.

But I can't help but remember you.

The boy's speed quickened as he walked into a building, passing by the reception swiftly and moving onto the stairwell.

I wonder, would you have stayed if I answered?

Even if it was just a little longer?

Because one of your last words was "thank you" and it hurts. It hurts so much because why would you thank me?

Why the hell would you thank me?

Up the stairs, the boy walked slowly. Feet stopping on each step for a second before moving on to the next. As if he were waiting for someone to run behind him and hug him, telling him it was all a joke. And, he really believed it. Because it was the only thing left to believe.

Dazai...Dazai said dreading and thinking about it doesn't help.

Chuuya said I should see a therapist. And even offered to find me one...

Kyouka said she's always there for me and if I need a shoulder to cry on, she's there.

My dad just...He just hugged me and said he loved me.

Ranpo patted me on the shoulder and frowned for the first time.

Poe offered to let me cuddle Karl.

Yet...With all this love and support I still stand here so weak and feeling alone.

The boy's steps became weaker, legs wobbling as he became nervous. He finally reached the top, sliding open the door as bright lights shined past him, dust flying erratically through the air. It was cloudy, but at this moment the sun was shining through a small leak in the clouds. The boy sniffled, letting out a small whimper as he took an unsteady step onto the concrete that lay in front of him. Fully taking in the view of city buildings around him and puddles that had formed, with the ambient sounds of the city ringing in his ears once again. Yet something was missing. Something was always missing. And it was Ryunosuke.

Everyone tells me I'm not alone.

But I can't help but feel so fucking alone.

The male gripped his shirt, trying to ignore the stinging feeling in his heart. He clenched his teeth through the pain, so much so it hurt even more.

And even though it's been an entire fucking year I still love you so much.

The boy took a deep breath before pursuing his path to the edge of the rooftop. Bubbly eyes were full of tears as he squinted, trying to catch them before they fell. He wiped his tears away with his gloved hands, the soft fabric of the gloves Ryunosuke had gotten him during their trip to England, now wet from tears.

Yet, through the abundant amount of emotions that he felt, he found himself looking up to the sky, dark and cloudy yet acting as if it were clear and bright blue. He smiled through the pain.

But I've been trying a lot.

Slowly I'm feeling better. And I know you're watching me. Whether your spirit follows me or you watch from above. I know you are. I don't need to be religious or spiritual to know that.

I...I actually smiled for the first time in a year last week.

Dazai told some cheesy joke in hopes of cheering me up. It wasn't anything big but it made me smile a bit. That was a big moment for all three of us.

Atsushi's held up his hand to block the sunlight from reaching his eyes, his smile growing slightly.

Every night before eating dinner we tell you a cheesy joke. I'm sure you're there. You probably just frown in disappointment and continue to eat.

The boy giggled a bit, looking off to the side.

I...I did get a therapist just three months ago. It was hard warming up to him, but Odasaku is really good. Apparently, he's Dazai's older brother? I don't see it. Oh, and we visited your grave recently and left some flowers. I'm sure you noticed. We...We gave you Anemone flowers.

The boy choked on his tears for a moment, thinking deeply.

Their....Their language is known for protection against illness. They're really pretty as well...I thought you'd like their bright purple color. You said it was your favorite after all.

Did you like the lunchbox I gave you? I put squid sausage in it! Your favorite.

Atsushi giggled a bit with a shaky sigh.

If only I could have eaten it with you.

Steps moved closer to the railing, the boy just rested on the fencing. It was cold and damp, yet he couldn't care less. He had completely zoned out into the distant city lights. Taking in how breathtaking the sight was. There was a misty fog that had enveloped his surroundings yet he could still see the area. Inside people's homes they sat down for dinner with their families, others went on walks with their friends or loved ones. That could've been them, but time exists. It keeps on ticking and time was running out but Atsushi wasn't willing to admit it even though all the signs pointed towards it. The boy let out a long sigh of what seemed to be a relief. Looking down at the city right below him, traffic moving smoothly and people racing to work. The concrete floor and smooth street, the lamps, trees, and puddles. Nameless faces and voices resonated throughout the city.

Atsushi just smiled.

"Don't worry, we'll meet again soon." a voice spoke.