My Diary

Entry 1

11/10/21

Dear diary,

   Life has been hectic and it's been hard for a long time now...  I've had the feeling of needing to bleed or cut myself for about a week now and it sucks. I've never really been triggered by thing that mentioned self harm in any way but now it's different, it's like an addiction i cant get rid of, something I always end up going back to. When I see a tiktok or read a story where someone is suffering in silence using cutting as a coping mechanism I understand them but I also feel like right in that moment I should be doing that to my wrist. It's hard to have this type of self control but I try my best to do so everyday. Instead of cutting I usually cry or take really hot showers until my skin turns red. I really don't know what to do anymore...
Other than that another struggle is eating. I feel when I eat, I eat way to much; others say the opposite they say I eat to little. Like for example during lunch a couple weeks ago I got full off of a snack bag of Cheez-Its and my friend B said I wasn't normal. It made me so insecure about my eating habits. Then a few weeks after she said I ate a lot more than usual. I didn't realize her words would have such an effect on me.
L worries about me a lot. I thinks it's sweet. He said whoever hates me could go fuck themselves just because I said a lot of people hate me and I agree with them. He also said he loves me as a friend. I love him like that too. I've finally found someone that makes me feel wanted in even the littlest way possible.
My best friend A, they've been distant. Of course they'll always be my best friend but it feels like we haven't talked as much or FaceTimed all the time like we used to. Don't get me wrong I love them but sometimes I wonder if they actually hate me... I would understand why though I'm definitely nothing special. That's why i wonder why people want to be my friend so bad. I'm not pretty, skinny or popular, damn it I'm literally just a waste of space.
I have a crush on someone but why would he like me? His name starts with a J. (I'm not gonna put his full named in case someone ever finds this) J is super nice. Once didn't know my name and he said hello to me after he figured it out. Of course he's popular and I'm pretty invisible. He never talks to me. He once asked the people at my table if " worsened" was a word. I answered the question but he ignored me. That's the best part about me to the kids who are known as "popular" I'm invisible to but my friends I'm funny and nice.
Speaking of my friends I have a lot. I love them all but it gets out of hand at times. I'm a very introverted person and get nervous when I have to talk in front of people. So with a lot of friends as someone like me it's emotionally and mentally exhausting. I probably sound like some of these people that are fake depressed right now but I'm just trying to be honest. But I think thats enough for today. <3

~AJL