Delaney James seems to have it all-a successful husband, a stylish Manhattan townhouse, and a thriving career in fashion journalism-until it all falls apart. Her husband leaves her, shattering the perfect life she once knew. Heartbroken and desperat...
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I thought I was spiraling before, but I was very wrong. There is a heaviness around me now. If I were a cartoon character, I'd be walking around with slumped shoulders and a black storm cloud above my head.
I still can't sleep. I spend my nights in tears as I lie awake and think about Will. Does he miss me? Does he regret it? Does he ever think about me too? On the rare nights I do sleep, I have terrible nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat, my cheeks soaked with tears and reach out for him, but of course, he's never there, which then starts another round of self-loathing until I eventually cry myself back to sleep.
My appetite is gone. I force myself to eat when my parents are around, and I can feel them watching me, but as soon as they leave the room, I dump my plate into the trash. I've been surviving on coffee, water and whiskey, and the occasional meal, but most of the time food is the last thing on my mind. The thought of it some days is enough to make my stomach turn.
I have no energy, no drive to do anything other than lay in bed. I search the internet for journalism jobs in Manhattan, but my attempts are futile. I don't care what happens, or if I ever work again. I hardly shower. I haven't washed my hair since God knows when. I only leave the house for work – when I decide to go. I've been wearing the same clothes for days – Will's New York Knights t–shirt I accidentally took when I left and an old pair of black sweatpants – and I can't tell you the last time I ran a brush through my hair.
I lay in bed all day. The world is going on around me, but I can't function or participate no matter how hard I try. I just don't care about anything other than my own unhappiness. Yesterday I promised my mother I'd be at work, but I found myself at the beach instead. I sat in the sand for hours, just staring out into the ocean, wondering how long I'd have to stay under the water before I reached unconsciousness and if it would hurt. It's not that I want to die, I just want to quiet the thoughts in my head for a little while. I just want to stop the pain.
I can't stop thinking about the things Will said to me. They run on a loop in my mind like those political commercials that play on television around election time. I hear him say I'm selfish. That I'm negligent. How I made him feel like he wasn't important to me. That I didn't support him. How he doesn't love me anymore, and he hasn't for a very long time.
Was I really so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't notice my husband was falling out of love with me? Is that why it was so easy for him to walk away?
I changed who I was for him, but it wasn't enough. I'm not enough.
I'm lying in bed watching reruns of Friends when there's a knock on my bedroom door. My first instinct is to ignore it. Whoever it is will assume I'm asleep if I don't answer them and go away, and when the shadow of feet underneath my door disappears, I think they have, but then another knock echoes through my room.
"Go away," I mumble. "I'm asleep."
Jo opens the door and glares at me. "If you're asleep than how are you answering me?"
