Is love overrated? Can it be above me? Don't I matter? Do I need someone to complete myself? Can't I be complete myself? Cant I be content with what I have and whom I have? Well, I'm in a good space now anyway.
But then that happened.
Find yourself...
It's 7 PM and I'm at the basement of Aman's penthouse in Delhi. Aman owns a luxury penthouse in one of the most modern suburbs of Delhi.
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He also has a separate mansion, where his family used to stay, but they arent in Delhi anymore. After Aman's marriage, they showed interest in moving to Mathura, to live in their ancestral property, to be close with their near and dear ones, away from the crowded, noisy, and polluted Delhi, in their words.
I've never thought twice before visiting Aman, any time of the day, even after his marriage. Paakhi is one innocent soul, whom I've come to regard as a younger sister, and she adores me as her Bhai, pouring all the love she has always wanted to shower on her brother, for she was a single child. But today, I feel something different, as I approach 9th floor where Aman's penthouse is.
I'm not able to put a name to this feeling, but it sure bothers me. The recent happenings in my life have made me more attuned to inner feelings and emotions, and I never want anything to go sour between me and Aman, because Aman is as important as Di to me, I realize today.
I ring the bell and wait at the corridor but there is no response for almost 5min, when I think of calling Aman, Paakhi opens the door. She looks different, I'm not able to figure out for a while. But then I see, she has lost her smile.
"Arnav Bhai, will you just keep staring at me like this, or would you like to come in for a while?", Paakhi asks trying to smile.
I give a slight nod and enter in. Its 7.30 in the evening and the living lights are already dull. Only the kitchen is lighted, and I can see light glow from the passage in the left, where Paakhi and Aman's room is.
This is enough for me to know something is very wrong. Paakhi always loves her surroundings to be bright. And Aman never stays in his room when he's at home. He always stays in the living room, working or helping Paakhi in the kitchen, giving her company for Paakhi never likes to be alone.
I look around and Paakhi goes to the kitchen, asking "What would you like to have bhai, shall I make you some black coffee?", she comes out of the kitchen, handing me a glass of water.
I get the glass of water and take a seat on the sofa, but refrain from saying anything and simply look at her. She again tries to change the topic, asking me about my health and keeps on talking about how I should take care of myself properly, though I'm sure she doesn't know exactly what had happened to me.
"Why didn't you come and see me then?", I ask abruptly. She looks baffled for a minute. "Woh... actually, how do I say it...", she has a hard time trying to say a sensible answer, but fails to lie properly and her shoulders stoop in defeat.
"What's the matter Paakhi", I ask, trying to bring out the most soft voice I'm capable of.
She sighs in defeat and tries to speak but her eyes fill and I panic, but I'm not the best at consoling and I definitely lack knowledge on how to console your best friend's wife, who looks at you like her elder brother.
Paakhi, with slight tears in her eyes says, "Its Aman, he's not the same anymore", with a slight quivering voice and continues, "Aman wasn't feeling well when we came back, he suddenly fainted at the airport when we arrived in Delhi, we straight went to the hospital from there, he had high fever and was hospitalized for three days. But it wasn't serious and he recovered well or so I thought. He does not have fever, but he is always aloof. He does not concentrate on work anymore, always stays silent in the room, staring at nothingness..."
"Does he.. is he, I mean with you..", I try to put my wayward thoughts into words.. and Paakhi catches it. "NO NO, not at all.. He is not bad or rude to me, its just that, he does not share what's that issue that's bothering so much, that he's lost himself... In all this, I could never think of anything else... Its like our life has turned upside down all of a sudden, and I'm not sure how to go about anymore", now Paakhi is openly crying and I cant take it anymore.
I march into the bedroom to see Aman, slumped on the sofa, having a book in his hand, but looking into nothingness, which is so unlike Aman.
I go and sit near him without making any sound. But I very well know he knows I'm here. But neither speak.
It was Paakhi who interrupted our silence. She came in knocking on the door. She had brought in soup for both of us. Usually, the ambience would have been very different. But today, she just leaves the bowls on the glass coffee table and leaves, not before asking if I would join them for dinner. I answer in the affirmative.
"Do you see her Aman, what have you done to her? I know you didn't touch her, hurt her physically, you didn't speak to her, hurt her with your words, without doing any of these, see what you have reduced her to, all this for no fault of hers. What is your problem Aman? Why don't you see her?"
"You didn't see her Arnav. You didn't... I didn't see her, we didn't see her", Aman said with a faraway look.
