No one really tells you how abruptly people will leave your life, sometimes they leave the earth, sometimes they just leave you. Things continue, tomorrow you will wake up and the sun will rise and it will be a new day for you. Although the days will melt together like some candle you burned down to the wick, the seasons will change. You will fall in and out of love with yourself more times than you'll ever be able to count, so it's important to take the time to appreciate your own fingerprints, your own skin. There will be days when it is all you have. You are allowed to be angry, you are allowed to hate everything at times, but remember that the world is not working against you. The world is walking besides you, it is silent, and it does not trip you up nor does it carry you. Take care of your feet for they are what keeps you grounded.
I lusted, and I took something that was forbidden.
Nobody walks away unscathed when becoming entangled within the branches of the forbidden tree. Lust is not foreign to me, its complicated and tragic. Those around to see this travesty are concerned by the decisions that lament those who dare climb that tree. Lust is a funny thing, it turns on what was thought to be broken, it's like throwing a penny into an empty jar. There is something burning in a forsaken wasteland of things not to be remembered. What is often overlooked is the fact that lust can usher in love. You don't notice until it hurts so bad, you know the feeling. When it hits, you can't talk, can't think, can hardly move in any direction. All I begin to hear are voices tearing into my soul, full of hate and contempt. It becomes so intense I think I can't stand living with myself for another minute. That's when my inner rebellion begins, and I know it's a battle for survival. The determination comes back and I know I'm not going to be defeated by this. I won't let my mind be poisoned into wishing for death. That's the inner struggle going on. Sometimes I need to die for a little bit. When I escape, I don't exist for a little bit. I'm there but I'm not there, it's fills the urge to kill myself without actually being gone forever. After I'm zoned out I fall asleep and luckily more time has passed. What I've learned is that no matter what, there's never enough time. The frame of mind one has to be in to wish for less of it is not okay. Searching has never been so tiring, waiting for a better tomorrow has never been so wearisome. I want peace within myself yet I wreak havoc wherever I go. I just know that who I've become is more of a disaster than everything I've ever been. My body does more talking than I ever could. The conversation between your fingers and someone else's skin is the most important discussion you can ever have, it just sucks when you two don't speak the same language. I do this to myself, yet it kind of just happens. I hope one day I can write something entirely different. But I know deep down my story isn't the kind you could write about warmly. I'm the antagonist. Nobody is fond of a villain. Playing this role requires you to be extremely strong yet extremely weak, extremely smart yet extremely dumb. It requires an insurmountable hatred for oneself to be who I am. I need to forget who I am sometimes. I need to learn the lesson repeatedly thrown in my face. But I am not entitled to anything in this world, especially happiness.
