I always imagined this to feel a lot different. Last year, I was excited to finally be considered an upperclassman with a lenient schedule. This year, the simplicity of my schedule scares me quite a bit.
Of course, senior year is supposed to be a breeze, but I struggle with nostalgia and I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to leave behind all the memories in this school. The lessons I have learned in this building, not just the academic ones, will be something I'll carry with me throughout my entire life. High school is the best and worst time of your life. You learn about the world and the people in it, you are exposed to so much, you become an adult in the process. It's only the beginning of senior year but I can't fathom that this is the end. I'm trying to enjoy it as best as I possibly can, and at times I do, but the underlying thought that this is the beginning of the end [of high school] haunts me. I've been told graduating high school is the end of the beginning and that's true, it's the end of your childhood and the start of your life in the real world. But as of now, it's the beginning of the end: the beginning of senior year, the end.
The pressure of applying to colleges hasn't stressed me the way it should. Maybe my nonchalance in the way I handle these kind of things is a fault, but I can't even begin to think about college. Now? Is now really the time? Why are there so many deadlines in October? I feel that the urgency is entirely unnecessary. I'm sorry but my 17 year old mind is caught up in so many other, probably irrelevant, things. Don't ask me to choose what I want to do. I don't know. I've always favored the arts, since I naturally gravitate towards anything creative. I enjoy writing, but not the writing I've always done in school. I yearn to write something entirely fiction or poetic, not something altered for a grade. Everything I write is to please the teacher. I want to write things to please myself. Maybe that's why I am never satisfied.
I still have to fill out all these applications to colleges that probably won't accept me. My gpa isn't up to par, although my SATs are rather impressive. Maybe I'll hit em with a killer college essay explaining the monstrosity I call my transcript. That's another thing I have yet to start.. It's supposedly due tomorrow, however my teacher hasn't been here in days. I'm still debating whether or not I should actually write it. I can't really find the drive in me, despite the fact that the deadline is tomorrow. The urgency isn't there, I'm so unaffected by my academics. My priorities aren't in line, and I don't really feel the need to change them either. Maybe when the college rejections start piling up I'll do something about it, but by then it's too late, so why bother?
This is the reason I don't think college is such a great idea for me. I don't want to think about it, I have no choice but to attend college, so there's no use. I am, and have always been a rather apathetic student. I never put effort into school, even when I was younger and had a 95 average. School used to stress me out at times, but shortly before high school I lost all concernment regarding my grades. I simply don't care. I wish I did, but I don't. I try, but my futile attempts at giving a shit have been bothersome, so I've stopped long ago.
