Untamed Regrets

40

"Did you ever think I was ashamed of you?"

My eyes remained glued to my legs resting languidly atop his thighs. Komportable ako sa ganitong posisyon namin: halos pahiga ako sa dulo ng sofa, siya naman ay prenteng nakaupo sa kabilang dulo. Doing this was almost close to a habit that I didn't realize I hadn't outgrown after months. This reminds me of old times I don't want not to remember.

I began to take notice of his silence when I felt a pair of eyes settling on me. He was biting his lower lip in hesitance.

"Be honest, Morri," I urged.

"Hindi..." he drew soft circles around my ankle, "pero oo, noong nagsisimula pa lang tayo."

"Bakit hindi mo 'ko hiniwalayan noon?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "It didn't feel right... to suddenly leave." Wow, that struck a hard hit on my chest. "Sabi mo pa, hindi ka pa ready na ipakilala ako kasi strict tatay mo. Pinakilala mo ako kay Sav na kapamilya mo rin kaya naisip ko, 'Kailangan lang nito ng oras.'"

"I," I let out a deep breath, "I had to plan our every step then. Bago mag-date, kailangan may alibi ako, kailangang nandiyan si Sav para pagtakpan ako kay Papa. Dapat ganitong oras ako umuwi kung dito ako sa bahay uuwi nun. Dapat lagi akong may mga litrato na talagang nasa campus nga ako at wala sa kung saan at nakikipag-date sa'yo."

"Oo. Tinutulungan pa nga kita minsan, ako taga-estimate mo ng travel time natin."

I chuckled internally upon the accurate memory. Siya nga 'yun; sinigurado rin niya na susunod kami palagi sa schedule na na-set namin.

"Naalala mo ba 'yung gustong gusto kong manuod ng sine dati? Kasi 'yun lang 'yung araw na free ako? Pero sabi mo next time na lang o panuorin na lang natin sa net kasi 'di ako makakaabot para sa dinner namin?"

"Wala naman akong kinalimutan..."

"At talagang sakto nga ako dumating para sa dinner namin. Parang kang secretary noon," I laughed, "tapos kinabukasan dahil free cut na ko, sinamahan mo ako sa sine."

And I still remember how that day ended. He kissed me inside his car like there was no tomorrow before sending me home.

"Kung kaya kong gumawa ng ganoong klaseng efforts para hindi tayo mahuli dati, bakit hindi ko kayang mag-effort nang ganoon para ipakilala ka kay Papa?"

"Wala nang sense 'yan, Naia. Kilala na niya ako."

"No, like, what if he didn't?

Each second of his stare lasted for like a minute long. Hindi nanlulumo ang kapaligiran ngunit mabigat ito. May tensyong namumuo sa bawat iglap. His mouth opened and closed, pressed into a fine line.

"May gusto kang sabihin." He only nodded like he was devoid of his own distinct voice. "Sabihin mo sa'kin."

I think I knew what he was about to say but I couldn't fully bring myself to admit it.

"Kasi takot ka."

Exactly. And what was I so scared about? Ngayong parang nadaanan na ni Morri halos lahat ng mga kinakatakutan ko, nawala na sa'kin kung ano ba 'yung ikinakabahala ko noon.

I was scared of him meeting my father because Papa and I were never really emotionally close. We had an easy-going relationship at most times but when feelings want to start to take over, I avoid it when I'm with him.

Adding Morri between us is a big step I didn't think I was willing to risk before. I couldn't open up to my father about my feelings, why should I introduce a new person into our relationship? That's how it seemed to me.

Dagdag na lang din 'yung pinakawalang kwentang factor na napaka-judgmental ng pamilya ko. Really, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree; I acknowledge that I am one of the most judgmental people in our family next to Sav and Silana.

I wasn't scared that they're going to think bad of Morri (there's almost nothing bad to think about), I was scared of what they're going to think of me being in a relationship with Morri after years of hiding my former relationships.

Sanay akong nagtatago. Walang nakilalang manliligaw o kung ano man ang pamilya ko sa'kin (bukod si Sav na kasabwat ko sa lahat) pero sigurado akong nagdududa si Papa tuwing tinatanggi kong meron. Kahit sa mga panahong wala naman talaga itatago, naramdaman kong ang pagdududa niya. I don't know when, where, and how it started but keeping things a secret came natural to me.

Half a year into our relationship, the thought of introducing Morri to my whole family actually crossed my mind. Nasa abroad si Papa kaya hindi ko nagawa hanggang sa nakaligtaan ko na rin at nagsibalikan 'yung mga takot ko noong umuwi na siya. Then I felt maybe it was better if I just let things they way they were that time but that didn't age the way I wanted to be.

"All for the wrong reasons."

"I'm not in the position to say it's wrong but what we're feeling isn't something we can control."

"I'm afraid that he will get disappointed in me after I introduce you," I admitted. "Alam mo naman na marami akong tinatago sa pamilya ko. Baka 'pag may nilabas ako, magsisi lang ako. What we had was great even if we did everything in secrecy, what if that ruined it, too?"

Nanahimik lang siya, patuloy pa ring gumuguhit ng mga bilog sa may paa ko. He nibbled a part of his inner lower lip for a bit there before pushing his lips outward.

"But yeah, me breaking up with you ruined things for us. I ruined things for us."

Iginawi na niya ang tingin niya sa'kin at umiling siya. "Naia..." Hinugot ko ang paa ko sa pagkapatong nito sa mga hita niya at umupo nang maayos. The moment my feet touched the rug, I was more grounded with reality. "'Wag mong isipin na ganoon."

"If I just did the things I had to do before, we wouldn't be like this right now. I think we would still be happy."

"We are happy."

"Are you happy that I broke things off for us? That I wanted to break up because I was thinking of myself more than us?"

"Hindi pero masaya ako na sinasama mo na ako sa mga problema mo. Na hindi mo na ako tinutulak palayo 'pag namomoblema ka tulad dati. Na sinasabi mo na sa'kin kung ano talaga mga nasa isip mo."

I could feel the elation in his voice entering the hollows I created in my soul. Elation then further derived to a warmth spreading all over my skin.

"I am trying to fix the things I did wrong last time."

"Kasi gusto kong kasama ka sa pagdedesisyon sa mga bagay na dapat sinama talaga kita. Hindi 'yung sinosolo ko at tinataboy kita."

"Masyado mo na akong mahal."

"Stupid," I frowned which made him chuckle loudly that its rhythm settled comfortably in my ears. "That's the way it should have been. Dati pa lang."

He looked at me with love goop dripping out of his eyes. I rolled my eyes while I tried my best not to smile. Masyado niyang ine-enjoy 'to.

"Tara na nga. Nararamdaman na ng katawan kong pinag-uusapan ako ni Tito Kieran."