Lost Ray of the Sun

Chapter 25

Hindi ako sanay. Nakakapanibago. 

I was used on being alone years ago, not until I found my comfort with people I'm happy with. But now, I have to be used again. 

Babalik na naman sa umpisa ang lahat para sa 'kin. Kailangan kong sanayin ulit yung sarili ko na mag-isa. I'm not even sad about it. I have to grow, I have to move on. Everything is seasonal even though I wished that the season we had don't come at end. 

"Hey! I missed you. Hindi kita napuntahan kahapon, ang dami kasing ginagawa." salubong ni Ayhiel. 

I didn't see her coming kaya hindi ako nakaiwas. Hindi ko pa sila nakakausap lahat. They don't have any idea what's going on. Hangga't maaari ay gusto ko na lang munang umiwas, hindi ko gustong nagsisinungaling. 

"I missed you too. Can I go now? I have to study." Nahihirapan kong sabi. 

Bakas sa mukha niya ang pagtataka. Hindi naman siguro nila mahahalata na umiiwas ako, madalas na kaming hindi nagkakasama bago ko pa malaman yun. Everyone is also busy studying for the test. 

"Oh, okay." Dismayadong aniya. Nakita kong nakasunod kaagad sa kanya sila Ruzell kaya tumalikod na ako. I don't want to be asked about any matter. "Do well!" 

I've been like that the whole week. Iwas ako nang iwas, pinipilit kong lumayo. I don't want to invalidate my anger and emotions towards them and what they did. Nakakagalit tuwing nakikita ko sila pero hindi ko mahayaan yung sarili ko na mapakita yun. I want to take Mama's advice, kahit isang beses man lang ay masunod ko siya. 

That week has been tough and hard to me. I'm studying while dealing with my own problems. I always space out because of thinking so I let my body rest at weekends. Deon and I didn't had any interaction after I expressed my thoughts to him.

Siya ang lumalayo. I should be happy but I'm actually not. It is stepping my pride, nagmumukhang ako ang may ginawang hindi maganda. 

I woke up on Saturday because of a phone call. It's Cali. 

"Gaga ka! Buti sinagot mo na! Muntik na 'kong sumugod sa inyo. Anong nangyari? Grabe yung pag-aalala namin-" I groaned. 

"Oh, shut up. Your voice makes my ears hurt! Sobrang ingay." I said huskily. 

"Grabe! Hindi mo man lang na-miss? Taena. Matapos mo 'kong pag-aalahanin, gaganyanin mo lang ako?"

"Who told you to worry about me?" Tumawa ako. 

I missed her. After all these years, siya lang ang masasabi kong totoo. She never left, whether I'm in the dark or not, I'm happy or upset, her presence is always felt. 

"Bobo! Mauutusan mo ba yung emosyon na mag-iba? Edi sana lahat ng tao nagdesisyon na lang na maging masaya!" Natigilan ako. "Hindi ko alam kung nag-iisip ka ba o ano."

I really hope that we can decide what emotions to feel. Kahit kasi hindi mo gustong maramdaman, nandyan lang yun, hindi siya aalis. You can't control what you'll feel, it's tiring. 

"How's life? How's Caleb?" Pag-iiba ko ng usapan. 

Hangga't maaari ay ayoko munang makarating sa kanila, lalo na kay Dad. 

"We're good! Kinakabahan ako. Ilang buwan na lang graduate na tayo. Shet! Salamat naman at ayoko nang maging estudyante, parang awa."

"Adult life will be harder." Napairap ako. It's hard but exciting. 

"Buti doon magpapakahirap ako para magkapera. Sa pag-aaral? Wala akong nakukuha kung 'di luha! Anong gagawin ko doon, iinumin?" She ranted. She has a point but I can't stop myself from laughing.