Is This My Life?(Completed)

Week 7~ Friday

I feel like I just mess everything up.

Like... Maybe, if I'd never come into anyone's lives- if I would've just killed myself or been killed all those years ago- then none of this would've happened.

Everything is my fault.

I'm the one who slept with all those men- even if I didn't want to, I did... I didn't tell anyone, I didn't make it stop. After a point, I didn't even protest anymore. And even though I felt like I couldn't, I just knew it'd make everything all that much worse, I still should've tried.

I'm so stupid.

If it weren't for me, everyone would be happy. Hunter would find some nice girl to date and fall in love with, rather than being stuck to my hip, worried for my wellbeing. Amanda would be able to focus on herself, Issac, and their baby. Nick and Lila would be raised by proper parents who sobered up after seeing what happened to me. Jamie would never have known the loneliness of sitting alone in a hospital room-unconscious or otherwise- while her family sat with a whore. Nathan and Kimberly would've been happily married, since he would never have strayed onto that dark path.

I'm just worthless.

Even my own parents couldn't care about me. My father sold my body, allowed men to drug me, beat me, use me... Night after night after night. My mother treated me as scum. I wasn't worth enough for even a moment of her time. Then, the moment she believed I'd done something wrong, she threatened my way of life- even if it wasn't much of a life to begin with.

I'm afraid.

What if everyone I love now finally realizes that I'm not worth all this time and energy? What will happen when Kimberly, Hunter, Amanda, and Jamie all realize that I'm just a lost cause? What about when Nick and Lila grow up and learn about all the awful, disgusting things their sister has done over all these years? They'll look at me as though I'm a monster. A freak. And, while I am all those things, I just can't bring myself to be okay with it. I don't want to be tossed aside, treated like the nothing I am... I don't want everyone to leave me behind, moving on with their lives.

I'm selfish.

I want everyone to stay with me. I want my little family to stay together. I want Amanda and I to have our babies, then let them grow up just like siblings; to be best friends until the end. I want Hunter and I to continue developing this bond we're creating; for the sibling love we have for one another to grow. I want Kimberly to still love me as her daughter, even though I practically turned her life upside down. I want Nick and Lila to never know the real reason we left Mom and Dad, to always just accept when I say it was for the best.

I want the life I don't deserve.

I want to be happy.

I want to be loved.

I want to love.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

        A cry escapes my lips as I stare up into the foresty green orbs above me. They hold a malice I know all too well; the sickening desire left deep inside them sends chills down my spine.