Frayed Edges

A Long Time

For a while it was easy to pretend that everything was fine. She could act as if the last few months had been a feverish dream. That her and Jake were living a normal life and weren't dangling off the edge of a cliff.

When she was with Jake everything was alright. He accompanied her on her almost daily trips to the precinct, but often he sent her home in a cab so he could work late on the case. He told her that her input was invaluable, that together they were building an iron clad case but it was easy to feel disheartened.

Olivia was still gone, Ernie was still dead and Alex was still locked up.

All the while she battled her own demons. The first week of her detox had been hell. She could barely do anything but sleep and watch as Jake forced food down her reluctant throat.

Rosa had been right, the pills did help but it didn't make the process any more enjoyable. The shakes and fevers began to stop after the first few days but the cravings remained.

It's hard to adjust to reality after relying on a drug to make you feel sane.

It had taken nearly a month to arrange Ernie's funeral. The investigation had gotten in the way and Mia was glad that his family would finally find closure. No matter how little.

It didn't make the day any easier. Her hands fidgeted with the soft material of her plain black dress as Jake drove them to the church. He eyed her nervously as she smoothed down her skirt. Today would be a challenge even without a cop on her arm.

She didn't care. She had to go and she needed him there.

The casket was closed to hide the horrors that Olivia had inflicted on him. His wife shook with sobs beside it and Mia could barely watch as she clutched her children's hands.

"I'm so, so sorry Donna." She whispered but all she could do was nod in return. Mia didn't mind, she was holding herself together with an unbelievable sense of dignity.

If it was Jake in that casket she doubted she would've been able to stand let alone speak.

She let her eyes scan over the guests that lined the pews of the church. The odd familiar face stuck out but very few of Olivia's 'colleagues' had chosen to show their face. She was grateful for that. It would be hard to stop herself from doing something she would regret.

Drew was absent but that was expected. He had been missing since that night at the precinct and that thought terrified her. She didn't know where he was or what he was doing but she knew he was alive.

No new bodies had been pulled from the Hudson but more than that she knew nothing could kill Drew. Regardless of his training and his deadly streak, he was a cockroach. Impossible to get rid of.

It was ten minutes before the service was to begin and Mia was already claustrophobic. That horrible niggling itch was ever present and Mia was crawling out of her skin.

"I need some air" she muttered into Jake's ear. He gave her a nervous look as she got to her feet but all she could do was roll her eyes "Every drug dealer I know is either locked up or on the run so doubt I can get in that much trouble in a church." She smirked as Jake's face softened slightly. He gave her hand one last loving squeeze as his lips ghosted over her knuckles.

Outside the church the air was cold and crisp, perfect for a solemn day like today. She wandered around the corner, just out of view of anyone who may come looking for her.

Quickly she slipped her hand into her purse and pulled out the crumpled pack of cigarettes that lay at the bottom. She hadn't smoked tobacco in years but the itches in her brain needed something to take the edge off.