Depressed , tired , angry, confused , lost, but most importantly financially broke she was. Horny too, but that was not on the table yet. Despite all her flaws , she still had a lot of sunshine when it came to romance. Everybody she desired her ,longed for her. Not only her body, but her presence , her scent ,her soul. She wasn't just a pretty smile , she was the whole package " wifey material". But just this 1 boy , he made this description slightly untrue.
" come bite me " she sarcastically said after seeing a long YouTube documentary about a man who whole hearted believed that he was a vampire . She rolled her eyes , closed her laptop and put it on the ground next to her bed. Then she pulled the sheets to her chin and started watching the ceiling.
" What do I want in life?" She asked out loud, as if somebody could answer it for her. I can't live like this , she concluded. I can't eat, sleep , learn , barely shower and repeat. She turned her head to the rest of her depression room and got disgusted by all of the mess she created the past 4 months. Her curtains have been closed for eternity and dust is gathering all around the room. Insects and fruit flies feel too comfortable to exist in her room. "Trash" she called herself. Just like her room. "The odor must be despicable " she concluded in her head.
"I need to get out of bed" . And suddenly her exhaustion came back, her stubbornness and her laziness. The sadness came along with it. The body wanted to stay, but the mind wanted to move, the eyes wanted to close and the heart wanted to rest. She needed to fight what was keeping her from getting her out of bed. She decided to stay in bed and fell victim for her overthinking.
She could seduce a man, with no effort. But keep one? No. The responsibility that she already had was enough to send her back to bed. But to have another human being in her life that has needs beside her? No. She was already tired by everything and all, how could she find energy to take care and love the way the man wants to be loved? The man has to be served like a king in order for her to be served like a queen.
She had the sudden urge to fight her boy best friend. Friend, friend , friend she thought. Do friends touch each other like he did? So passionately gentle. Do friends look at each other the way we do? Drowning in each other's chocolate brown eyes. Feeling slightly suffocated in each other's presence . Holding each other's naked body that we both are so insecure about till we fall asleep . Kissing, biting , loving, laughing ,touching? To me it's difficult to fake but to him , I don't know. He makes me question, yet I don't ask. I'm scared for disappointment, which he often causes. Sometimes I ask him something and expect a minimum answer that could make my day you know. But he somehow manages to turn that into a slight heart ache. I despise him, but I also don't. I have so many feelings for him but I don't know if it's only one sided. I love him , I want him. But our lives are so busy, that even though we don't live so far apart we still struggle to see each other. Or do we? Or is he just trying to avoid me after that night ? I feel like im pushing him away. He doesn't provide me any assurance just like the American care system. It makes me crazy frankly. I don't want him anymore, knowing he doesn't owe me loyalty and that he can do what we did, the things that lovers do, with another girl, like we never happened, never existed. But is there a we in this story? Am I delusional? Obsessing? Demanding? Am I too much? There's a chance that he stil loves other girls . Yes loves. I can't do this anymore. I feel embarrassed to claim my right , clarity, an explanation, assurance. Isn't that something that's suppose to come along with those thing? He loves me , he said. He lied before, for a month. Yeah . It was a big ass lie. Do I love him? I accidentally whispered that in his ear that night . The shook made me temporarily paralyzed on top him , naked , looking in his eyes . He looked back and said " I hear you man" ouch.
Im joking he said "I love you too" . Believe it or not, prior to this , he was the one who first told me he loved me. You might think " okay so what is the problem?". Timing, I might respond or reason. We were almost about to order a ticket to jahanam for me (hell). Yes. We were about to have premarital sex . And I also read an article where stood " 10 things not to say during the dirty" . Yeah I said 1 if the 10 things, the rest of the list is to cringe to even mention. He had his moments where I felt loved , for eternity. And moments where I felt alone yet accompanied by him. His love is so confusing . And I prefer simple love that goes deep and lasts. I can't seem to forget his face everytime I went down on him, or his platinum necklace with "Jesus" written on it dangling above my head. His whispers , his hands, his long hair that I kept pulling. his back that I kissed, scratched and massaged .Never have I asked his body count. To scared to even be notified about it. And he probably was going to lie , even though he has no reason to. We did so many things that lovers do. Yet we still remain friends . Glad he was almost all my firsts but now I'm stuck on him, forever.
He left me on opened on Snapchat . I tried to give him an invitation to see me and my new pierced nipples. " my aunt has a night shift " I said, and he read it without responding. On his Snapchat story I saw him with ordered food and a hand with perfectly round shaped nail beds. A woman I suspected . I was irritated but my irritation increased when he had made a screenshot of a conversation where he lied to somebody the same way he did to me, on top of that he responded to others and not to me. And what did I do instead of communicate? I reached for a fight. He later responded after I sent multiple snaps (non texts just pictures" with "sooo🥲" and I said " no never mind" and he sent a gif because he doesn't know how to express his feelings over text. The gif wasn't that big of a deal but I was irritated so i told him I'd be blocking him if he would increase my current despise for him. He than responded that if I did I'd never Had to talk to him again. It caused fear of losing him, which must never be there in the first place. He knows that , he used that. I hate that. I will get rid of it, slowly. I responded " if you don't want that to happen than shut up" and he responded with a gif that said " I see how it is" . I clearly miss him . Is this feeling out of
pure lust? Or frank love? Because the way he acts makes me rethink the reason why I do desperately long for him.
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