c is for clown. Yes the alphabet goes on.
Ofcourse there's third lover. Lover c. A clown. He came around before lover b, but due to his wierd and barbaric behavior I decided to put him to a c.
C and I only have a 3 year age gap. Which is acceptable , aside from the Fact that I'm underage . With me being 17 and him pushing his 20s, there's a lot we frankly don't have in common. First of all, maturity , second of all children and most importantly, proper English grammar. You see he only applies the cringe YouTuber couple influencers English to his daily grammar. Definitely a turn off. I often have difficulties with understanding his words. But we all have our problems.
Why is c a clown? Why can't c be a main? Why can't c be a ? Well c has a lot of points that are missing that are important to me.
1. He puts all his problems on social media.
2. He's cringe
3.he's self involved
4. He wants to have an explicit
conversation without even properly knowing me.
5. Walks around armed but yet doesn't shoot
Do you even know what you want? So many options, yet you're so indecisive. You might wonder. I know what I want. It not a, it's not b , it's not c either. It's somebody I haven't met yet. Why am I still entertaining them? Knowing they won't stick around? Boredom. Loneliness. And the fact that I was the ugly fat friend that everybody looked over. But now, all eyes on me.
It's not an excuse for being easy, not at all. It's an explanation . They are like my trophies. But are these the words of a woman desperate for male validation , only because she hasn't properly recovered from her past trauma? Or am I just being an average insecure teenage girl?
But further into what I want. I want A. But my standards aren't applying to him. I want somebody that values me, appreciates me and loves me. Not just with his words, but with his actions. I promise I don't need a million. I want to make a million with somebody that deserves the unconditional love I'm preparing to provide. But now I'm just draining myself out of hope and love and trust into somebody who I Inow is going to betray, lack and take advantage of all of them. Lover a hasn't been a friend to my overthinking. He has put fuel to my problem.
Why do people love what they can't have? Why am I persuading something unreal, something I know won't happen?I know the universe is big. But come on. This will end in an heart ache, im in too deep in this to walk away untouched. It will impact me. The only question is will it be temporarily or permanently? And also will it affect him? From all this aside, I'm still happy that I have experienced this with him. Lover A has been gentle. But quite not what I need. He's what I want, but not what I need. I can't mentally afford him.
If only he gave me a reason to not give up on this. If only he wouldn't let me. But the way he lets go , the way he grows distant, the way he often slightly hurts me. It's just so unnecessary painful. Lover A , my lover. My A to my ABC.
