Its been days since I have been talking to lover A. I stopped contacting him first. Now I want him to die.
I frankly can't even say what we have in common. Maybe a mental illness. I don't know why I love him, maybe because I am attached. Lover A never contacts me on his own. It's always me texting, calling, asking, showing intrest. But I stopped. All of it, except the hardest part that I didn't mention in that sum up. Loving. I didn't stop loving. He doesn't deserve it from me. He takes it for granted because he knows no matter what he does , I'll always care deeply for him.
Lover B is something else, he's hardly a lover. Lover B has been chasing me around since my birthday , a couple months ago. He's a typical "pretty boy" curls, tall, toned. He's pretty, but I'd chose lover A over B any day, call me alphabet caus I got options. But he's to social yet anti -social. Lover B and I invest the same amount of interest in eachother : a little to none. He stood me up yesterday. His looks cant make up for that. The reason why I gave him a chance at the first place was because of my friend that knew him. I asked about him because I have never seen him in real life. She said he was respectful , nice and gentle. The words I used to describe lover A.
Well let me describe him in my eyes. He's vague, he often contacts me at night and he reacts late. Also I gave him a Chance and he fucked it up , so no, his looks wont make up for it. Am I strict? Or am I just still in love with lover A? And you also might wonder why I tolerated Late replies from lover B and not from lover A. Well lover B contacts me way often and admits that he wants to see me, not just because I said it first, but because he feels it. Also lover B has very active social life , picks up when I call and doesn't just react late to me but to others too. I frankly don't know about that last one because I don't want to be his "others". Too many red flags to keep on entertaining this young man.
Maybe I'm just to active on social media and just need a hobby. A lot of my friends are adults and our life is busier then when we were kids. We have things to attend and maintain. But I have somehow the time to respond in seconds, I have somehow the Time to be there for everybody who needs me. I don't like seeking help, but giving , giving till I can't give anymore , giving all of me. That's what I do. For free.
Maybe lover A wants more then I offer. Maybe he wants more then I can provide. What do I provide him with anyways? What am I allowed to provide? We aren't a thing, an United soul, a couple. We're just a boy and a girl, unknown if they are in a friendship, unknown if they are in a relationship, unknown if they even like each other that much. But what am I in his eyes? I wonder that often. In my eyes, his beauty goes deeper then the skin, deeper then the heart , it's endless on every aspect of his body and soul. But yet I'm aware of the way he treats me , is this description of my perspective on him even still valid? Is it even still reliable? "tell him what you feel and see what he says" you might think. No. Maybe one day, but now , today in the situation we're in now. No. The song that played that night, is my head, it repeats itself, making me rethink the situation between me and lover A. You might call it a miscommunication. But yet I'm the one trying to communicate. I'm bad at telling what I feel when it comes to speaking. There's a barricade in my neck blocking air from my heart, making me slightly suffocate into my own self doubt and anxiety. My voice suddenly minimizes. Lover A doesn't make it easy for me either. He has hurt me before, which makes speaking up more difficult. Trust issues. But be honest, would you put your trust in this? Where is this going to end. I knew one of us would get hurt, and it was me. I rather have me in pain, then him . Because I knew what this could lead to before it even started.
