This is a delightfully creative, high-energy, fun story that I enjoyed from start to finish. I can't commend your creativity enough. This story subverts the reader's expectations in so many brilliant ways, from twisting the story of Rapunzel into something completely new to throwing plot twists into every new chapter. This story keeps the reader on their toes in the very best of ways.
Sometimes the prose had mechanical errors. Punctuation in dialogue was oftentimes incorrect especially when it came to comma usage in dialogue tags. Sometimes capitalization wasn't used properly, especially with Mother Gothel's name which had inconsistent usage of capitalization throughout. Sometimes the action scenes are listed out so it reads like an outline. Take this, for example:
"Four guards tried to kick Mother Gothel but I electrocuted them and then sprayed water on them."
"Mother Gothel kicked them straight on their faces while I sprayed water on one."
"I tried to shoot water at the guard but I couldn't. I tried the same with electricity but nothing worked."
I feel as though these action scenes could be fleshed out more so that they are more engaging rather than a list of actions these characters complete.
But the writing wasn't bad by any means, it just needs some editing. You have some really good sensory and environmental descriptions "We entered the castle through a secret passage that reeked of dead rats. My already-existing nausea increased with each passing minute. I gagged at the smell." I really love the characterization you gave to your characters as well. The first chapter was instantly hooking because Sapphire leaps off the page as a dynamic character. She loves books more than her social life. The Harry Potter jokes are funny, her quips with her friend Kyra make the opening dialogue instantly fun to read. These characters are easy to connect with from the beginning before things get crazy with the Rapunzel/Mother Gothel/witches plot. I really had a lot of fun with this story and was so excited to find something so creative to read, especially with Halloween just ending and everything. And I loved the ending too "it started with a cookie and ended with a muffin" cute! I thought that was a great final image!
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
