Cry While You Sleep

You can't outrun the darkness in your mind, If continue to create it

- A depressed someone.

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She awakes with high hopes, this is it she thought. This is her holy grail, her blessing in disguise , the answer to all her lingering questions, she repeats in her mind, to brighten her day but it was a futile try to help the weak human.

 Maybe this is why she never ended her day with a smile on her face, she put too much hope on unreliable circumstances. She was a simple woman, she knew every problem has a solution, no she knew it required a solution, she wasn't raised that way but nonetheless it was a built-in sensor, a coping of mechanism of some sort. Maybe a mantra she held on to with her death-wise grip to maintain a healthy mind or so she thought. Everyone around her knew how as the "darkness" in a brightly lighted room , how she's always so gloomy, her friend and family always saying "OMG you literally look so depressed' or "here comes the depressed one" as they laughed, she laughed along but it hurt. It hurt to see how they viewed her,. She knows, they don't mean harm, they don't know how much it affected her, after all how could they if she never spoke about it?

She acted as if their words don't affect her but, they do. She doesn't know why, for their words are true to her dreadful actions, she is the broken bulb in every room. She's hurt because she doesn't know why she feels this, why is she always upset? Is it the constant overthinking? The anxiety and difficulty to breathe every time she interacts with another human other than herself ? Is it the constant self-critiquing she has turned on all day, how she knows she's a failure, how she never does enough? Or is that when she's happy she is then reminded by the heavy weight on her shoulders of her non-existent troubles? How she doesn't deserve this happiness. She doesn't know how to earn it.Is it how she knows that everyone around her is better than her, is purer than her?Is it the constant attention she craves but feels guilty to even dream about having ?is it the constant reassurance she needs from everyone around her, but doesn't deserve.The grudges she holds onto?Is it the knowledge that she is but an irrelevant star in her friend group yet think she thinks she is entitled to everything. Why does she have to be a horrible person, why was she assigned this role?Is it :

The disappointment on her mother's face ?The words she has to keep in because no one understands her, no one cares to hear her cries?The flood of emotions barely holding itself together by a salvaged dam?I , both pity and so deeply hate this girl.She is being treated wretchedly but rightfully so, for she is an in-despicable human being and a disgrace to the blessings around her.How mortifying is it to know that she thinks this of herself?