Sarah Paulson/characters one shots

Losing myself *TW*

* this was requested "sad one" from youlookwonderfuldear *

TRIGGER WARNING

It's so funny how small you can feel after something so big happens.

I've been in hospital for about 3 months, regularly checked on, mental health tests always come back the same. And it's always because of one thing, yes it changed hell Liz and I did it.
But nothing changes the feeling of the initial action.

Roughly about 6 months ago I found the love of my life, Sally McKenna, of course I didn't mind if she was alive or not, I could still spend my time with her. She'd never let me off myself to be with her, no matter how much I asked, plotted or tried, I was stoped everytime.

I eventually accepted that she wanted a live partner, so we spent days together, hours talking, months laying in pools of other people's blood, but let me tell you it can all change in a second, the second another walks into the Hotel Cortez.

*Flashback*

A man with a smile on his face walked in and asked for Sally's room, 64. Of course I didn't pay much mind thinking he didn't have a clue, so we traveled up their together, mid elevator ride he tried slitting my throat.
I wanted to do this not get killed by another, especially not this dick. I ran to another room where Mr. March was and rambled for hours about the event and all thing that it branched off to "I see" was ever his only reply, he saw nothing, at least nothing worthy of his attention.

I walked towards our room, forgetting this random man was taking residence in it, I opened the door to a squeaking bed, moans and a voice "tell me you love me" on repeat. That was Sally's voice, she was letting this dirty fucking killing cop put his 2 inch in her. As I rounded the corner thinking it surely had to be a prank, I find Sally in such a degrading position, one she claimed she despised, facing me she tries to stop him, only to have her hair pulled and her words change to "DONT stop".

I ran out of the Cortez, I ran into the street getting hit by a car, I lay broken boned and broken hearted, images of what was and what just happened. What happened to us? Was I not good enough, was my every kiss and cuddle not what she craved?

So being rushed to a hospital and treated to only be put in the psych side of the hospital you've now caught up. So welcome, it doesn't seem that big a deal to many but to me, my world just got fucked, literally and metaphorically. I lay in the bed, wires hooked into me, eyes never closing, catching a glance of the Countess "aw sweet thing, what happened to You?" She cooed brushing hair from my face, I looked back emptily waiting for the mocking "let's get you healed and home, hmm? You can live in my room from now on" she whispers as I nodd with tears finally springing to my eyes, I can go home, granted Sally will be there but she has her new boy toy.

I come home with the Countess, now a vampire like creature like her, she takes me to see her son, as munted as he looked he was kinda cute, so I picked him up "wait-" she almost screeched coming closer only to watch Bartholomew starts giggling in my arms "he so sweet" I mutter looking down at him and letting him play with my fingers in this baby hands "he...he's not attacking you" she says shocked, I look at her and shrug before putting him back in his cot.

We walk to her room, seeing many people on the way, just as the door to her room is about to close I hear "Y/N!!!" But I actively ignore it, I'm far too powerful and loved now for her to treat me as such.
I hear crying from the other side of the door, suddenly I collapse and break down "I- I can't do this Countess, I can't live in the same hotel as her" I whimper into her arms that she's placed around me "it'll get easier sweetheart don't stress" she coos and I nodd.

It never got easier, I just got better at hiding it...