ONCE UPON A DIME I FLYNN CARSEN

It's Not Salem, Sweetheart

It's Not Salem, Sweetheart

You search the hills, swift and true
Look outside yourself, for it cannot be you
The town gathers and slander ensues
Not long 'til she's cursed, not long 'til she's through...

"It might be a troll," Jenkins said, brow furrowing.

"A troll?" Eve said in disbelief.

"Yes, a troll," Jenkins said impatiently.

"Somebody switch him off," Clara said, gesturing to Eve's iPad which they were gathered around, holding an emergency meeting with Jenkins.

"Why don't you switch yourself off?" Jacob said, rounding on her. "I'm sick of listening to your slurs!"

"Slur's a rather cosmopolitan word for a rustic like you to use," Clara drawled.

"There's a troll, and they're trolling each other," Ezekiel announced to nobody in particular. "I love it!"

"Trolls aren't indigenous to the Pacific North-West," Jenkins continued, unperturbed, "but with the return of magic to the world, all sorts of odd things are waking up, and if it is indeed a troll, it's not been nice knowing you, per se."

"My kind of man," Clara smirked, blowing Jenkins a kiss.

"Is evil Clara coming back?" Cassandra asked nervously.

"No, it's just that time of the month," Jacob sneered.

"Need me to lend you a tampon?" Clara retorted.

"Your coven called, they want you back," Jacob spat.

"It's not Salem, sweetheart," Clara snapped, "so put the pointy hat away."

"How do we fight a troll anyways?" Ezekiel interrupted, plonking himself down in front of the screen.

"You don't," Jenkins warned, "you flee."

"Not my style," Eve said abruptly.

~*~

"Bus buddies forever!" Ezekiel said, fist-bumping Clara, who turned her nose up in the air. Eve had paired up Ezekiel with Clara, whilst teaming Jacob with Cassandra, effectively separating Jacob and Clara, unable to bear anymore of their bitching. Whilst Jacob and Cassandra did some investigating around the town, Eve had gone to study the security surveillance footage of the crash, to see if she could turn up any other further clues. As for Ezekiel and Clara, she'd told them to stay out of trouble, only for them to go walking straight into it.

"I am not going to be your bus buddy," Clara said primly, "because a): you'd bring down my social standing, and b): there's no buses to be had here for love or money."

"We could rustle up one from somewhere," Ezekiel said, shrugging his shoulders, "maybe even steal one, like you stole my dime."

"I didn't steal your dime," Clara snapped, losing her airs and graces.

"It's in your pocket," Ezekiel said, pointing to her aforementioned pocket, "calling for help, for someone to dial 911" -

- "999 actually" -

- "It's begging me to save it, crying because you kidnapped it" -

- "It's not a talking dime," Clara said, rolling her eyes.

"I'd rather a talking dollar," Ezekiel said, sighing heavily. "Get more value for my money then."

"Hmmm," Clara said, rubbing the edge of her nose.

"Tree, tree, tree," Ezekiel started to sing, whirling around, arms outstretched.

"Are you turning into Julie Andrews?" Clara spat.

"Treeeeeeeee," Ezekiel trilled, "tree, tree, tree - troll!"

"Troll?" Clara squeaked.

"It's okay," Ezekiel assured her with a beatific smile, "it's asleep."

"Daylight subdues trolls," Clara remembered from far away, brow furrowing, recalling a battered book of fairy-tales from her childhood.

"How delightful," Ezekiel said, twirling on the spot.

~*~

Ezekiel and Clara made their way down the sidewalk, Ezekiel brandishing a broken umbrella, Clara a broom, making people cross the street to avoid them. Eve, Jacob and Cassandra were gathered in a huddle outside a Dollar General store, poring over some pictures taken from the security surveillance footage. "Small car, medium car, big truck, bridge," Jacob muttered, "small, medium, big - and a bridge. Why does that sound familiar?" he said, glancing up at the others.

"Charming morning, isn't it?" Ezekiel called over to them, making them whirl around.

"It's the worst morning in existence," Clara snapped, looking like she was going to snap her broom in two.

"And what the hell happened to you two?" Eve asked, slightly taken aback.

"We stumbled across a troll and a garage sale," Ezekiel explained, holding out his umbrella, "where there were plenty of bargains to be had, including this irresistible little umbrella."

"He actually paid for it," Clara cackled. "Can you imagine it!? Ezekiel spending as opposed to stealing!"

"Wait, did you just say troll?" Cassandra said, exchanging a glance with Jacob.

"Get with the programme, Ginger," Clara spat. "You're holding up the line."

"Hey, don't take your crap out on Cassie," Jacob flared up, stepping in front of Cassandra, "don't hurt her to hurt me."

"What, you got her on the go as well?" Clara parried, shocking everyone.

Before anybody could say anything, a fat naked man jogged past them, hailing them with a hearty good morning. Sheriff Heyer came running out of the library opposite, followed by his deputy, faces perspiring, guns at the ready. "Wolf at twelve o'clock," the sheriff shouted, only to do a double-take at the naked man, "and what the hell are you doing in your birthday suit!?" he exclaimed, making the man stumble to a stop, startled.

"I'm taking my early morning constitutional," the man said loftily, "as mayor of this fine town, I'm permitted to pound its streets" -

-"Never mind that," Sheriff Heyer snapped, "I've got a wolf to deal with!" And with that, he took off, his deputy hard on his heels. Eve and the others followed them, Ezekiel by flying umbrella, Clara by broomstick, hovering above the sidewalk at great speed.

They all skidded to a stop at the sight of a giant wolf clad in a pink frilly nightcap scattering pedestrians to the wind, the cops raising their guns, only to find they'd turned into bananas. Before they could blink, the wolf had pounced on a woman, her scream slicing through the air, Jacob moving at lightning speed, snatching up an axe from a nearby fire truck, and hurling it at the wolf, killing it stone-dead, Ezekiel and Clara flying over the fray, the former singing, the latter cackling.

"Okay, I really need to sit down," Eve said, slumping against an obliging wall.