Legacy // H.S

16.

'Like the feeling when you're holding me still with your eyes

It's as real as the stars that freckle the sky'

*

Harry always seems be in a battle with himself. Not only does he have to fight those around him, but he is also constantly in a confrontation with his deepest feelings. A lot of that is to do with his upbringing, blaming himself for the misfortune of others when he either had to watch or inflict it. And while I believe he has nothing to feel guilty for, or even absolve himself of, in his mind he deserves punishment for what happened to his mum and sister. Eternal purgatory, something to make him feel the pain they did. Sometimes I think he only walks into fights so he can intentionally get hit.

I wish he understood how unnecessary that is, though. To constantly blame yourself for something you couldn't and still can't change; it's an endless cycle of torment and agony. Haunted by the ghosts of the past, mistaking them for the souls of his present. Scratching at his skin whenever he tries to pass them, begging to be looked upon so he can see the sadness in their tired eyes.

His mind is so scary, sometimes. Such a terrifying place that he feels trapped by most of the time, and though we've become so open with each other over this year, I worry about his wellbeing if he continues to try and place all this responsibility on himself.

Graham's death hasn't made this any easier. In the days since, he's become closed in, reserved. Never truly engaging in the conversation, letting his thoughts wander elsewhere. I see it in his eyes; the way his mind seeks to press replay on the events as if he hasn't suffered enough already. One night, I woke up and found him scrubbing his hands, insistent that Graham's blood has stained the skin under his nails.

We've spoken about it as much as he allows, and I'll never push him to go further. He showed me the kindness of allowing me to process my father's death in my own time, I have every intention to repay the favour. After all, Graham was very much like a father to him. One of the only constants in his life, someone that always made sure to check on his safety and health. Something that started because he had to, but he chose to continue with because he grew as fond of Harry as he had him. He liked caring for him, putting him on the right track, and while Harry will never admit it, it was clear he liked having someone to guide him. He never really had that growing up.

While he had Zayn's dad back home, it was limited given the overpowering figure of his father, a shadow that constantly followed him. I suppose he always wanted someone to tell him what to do, to help him understand right from wrong and good from bad. Until Graham, he'd never been given that opportunity. All he knew was suffering, and to Harry it was normal.

Now, he knows what's normal. He knows what love is and affection is and everything worth living for is. Graham helped with that. He may not have been the sole person to lead Harry on his journey of self-discovery, but he was always there to help him if a mistake were ever made. That's what a parent should do. They should cheer you on and help you when you need it most. Not break you down until you're but a shattered soul before you've been given the chance to grow.

I think Harry forgets this sometimes. Or rather, he forces himself to. Like he doesn't want to admit he's struggling because he doesn't want to burden anyone. It's something I understand all too well, bottling up my problems for years without ever letting a single person know what I've been feeling about myself or what I've endured. In my mind, if I unloaded all of my baggage onto people, they'd want nothing more than to run, and considering how many people have left me over the years that wasn't a gamble I was willing to take.

Harry has been doing this his whole life, and while he's much better at expressing his feelings to me these days, I know there's still such a tall wall I'll have to scale. Instead of opening up, instead of admitting that he's struggling, he's been focusing on my problems. Throughout everything, he hasn't allowed himself to grieve or process anything that's occurred this year. There's so much he still needs to come to terms with. I'm not sure he ever really settled with the fact that George died, and that was months ago.