Borders & Rules

Chapter 15

I spent two days being ashamed of having joined an LGBTQ meeting. For five nights I hated myself for pouring my heart out to a busy stranger. But there was one thing I couldn't get out of my head.

I was able to forget Kevin for a long time—but he was never completely out of my mind. I had always hoped that someday, by chance, I would see him again. Sometimes I imagined it. When I cried on lonely nights, the thought of him was like fertilizer for my tears. And sometimes I even imagined what it would be like if he went to my school. If we were still friends. What could have become of us with fewer unspoken words and more apologies. Or can become.

I was afraid to call Dr Wilson—but I couldn't help it either. For me, meeting him was like a chance of fate. Now I could use this opportunity or let it slip away. But there might not be a second.

On the evening of the sixth night, when the shame had finally left me but the fear was still seething in my stomach, I called him. It was a very spontaneous decision, a sudden surge of confidence. I had wanted to break things off. But Kevin...

„Wilson how can I help?"

I was tense all over when I heard his serious voice. Damn it. He said it so quickly I forgot what words. I forgot why I had called. Besides, if he was talking so fast, he must be busy right now. Although, he was probably always...

„Hello?"

„Hey. Hi. It's Felix. Sorry. Are you busy?"

„I wouldn't have picked up if I was. What's up?"

Okay. Wow. That sounded a lot better. But still. There was something in his voice that always sounded stressed. Like, get to the point or I'll hang up. „Uhm. Do you have time to talk?"

There was a brief silence on the line. I sat up straight and tense in bed, wondering how the hell I got the idea to call Dr Wilson. God damn it.

„Now?"

„I—" Shit. Shit shit shit. I wasn't sure if I still wanted to talk to him. But Kevin... „Yes?"

He couldn't really say he couldn't. He told me two seconds ago that he wasn't busy. So I gave him no choice. „Sure. Go ahead."

„Uhm. So, I had this friend in the hospital." I honestly don't know why I was waiting for a response. Obviously he was even more intimidating on the phone because he only really opened his mouth when he really had to. „His name was Kevin. And, I'm not sure why he was doing it," I babbled around, afraid to get to the point. „But he was there because he hurt himself. And..." I was kinda just hoping he'd interrupt me. But he did not. „I was wondering if you could help me find him."

„I don't remember him."

„Yeah but, don't you have records at the hospital? It's just... we never said goodbye. And he was a really good friend. I mean, basically. We had some problems. But he wrote me notes..."

„I could get fired."

„I just..." I sighed in desperation and flopped back into my bed. What was the point of all this anyway? Kevin wouldn't want to see me anyway, would he? This was just my desire for a best friend again. „It doesn't matter if he wants to see me or not. If not, I can just forget him. I just want him to be able to approach me if he wants to." He was silent. „Please?"

I wanted this more than anything. I thought I could finally live in peace after finding him. Just knowing that Kevin actually exists would have changed me a lot. „I'd do anything. Really. Ask me anything and I'll do it for you. Anything."

„I could get fired," he repeated emphatically.

„I could... uhm... clean your apartment? Like, regularly. I'm cleaning like a pro."

„Felix."

„I can cook amazing. I'm sure you're too busy to cook, not? Do you often eat takeout?"

„Felix."

„Please. Please, Dr. Wilson, I'm begging you! It's really important to me."

„Jesus Christ," he cursed. „Let me speak for one second."

I stopped my breath. „Sorry..."

„I'll talk to my boss."

I straightened up. „Wait, really?? Do you think he will allow it?"

„No."

My shoulders sagged. „Oh." There was a brief silence on the line. I mean, obviously he was quiet. There was nothing more for him to say. God was I tense. „Uhm. Thanks anyway?"

„Do me a favor."

„Yes?" I held my breath. I knew whatever he'd say I'd do it. For him to look for Kevin—or at least try—I'd have done anything. I never expected him to attack me like that. I never thought he could be that mean. Just a little, maybe.

„Look for a therapist."

„W—" I shook my head, thinking I misheard. „What?" He didn't repeat. Obviously. The silence made me realize that he had nothing more to add because he meant business. And you know how sensitive I was about my mental health. „I'm... already seeing a therapist..."

„Are you?" I swallowed the lump in my throat. „Are you taking it seriously?" I briefly considered whether I should say something else. But I was speechless. And it really hurt. So far I had found his honesty refreshing and awakening. But this was really too much. I just hung up.

I sat in the stillness of my room and let his words reverberate through me. Are you taking it seriously? I wanted to cry. Then I thought I probably just screwed up my only chance to ever see Kevin again. Kevin...

I spent another ten minutes hating myself and thinking about what to do now. Then, with great reluctance, I called my therapist.