Tragic

Chapter Thirty: I Only Miss You When I'm Breathing

Elliot

My heart drops when I see Judah storm away from Hunter. He disappears around the corner and then the side door slams shut. I'm guessing their conversation wasn't a pleasant one. Oliver squeezes my elbow and leans down to my ear.

"I'll talk to Hunter. Go check on Judah."

He walks away from me before I can reply. He swaggers into the dining room and leads Hunter toward the bar again. His eyes meet mine briefly, and I don't see the reassurance in them that I saw before. With a sigh, I turn away and walk toward the back door.

The wintery air hits me hard when I step out onto the porch that wraps around the back of the house. Judah is standing at the railing with his back to me. I wrap my arms around myself and take another step toward him.

"You okay?" I ask when I get closer.

He doesn't turn around. "I'm fine, Elle. Go inside."

"You're obviously not fine," I say back.

He laughs under his breath and his shoulders shake. He turns around, and there's no amusement on his face. "I don't know what you want from me," he says, leaning back on the railing. He shoves his hands in his pockets and shrugs. "Your boyfriend apologized, so everything's cool right? You got what you wanted. Everyone's happy."

I shake my head. "I don't want you to be upset. I hate that you're so mad at me."

He laughs again. "Mad at you?" He pushes off the railing. "Why do you keep thinking I'm mad at you like we're having some kind of fight?" He pulls his hand into his chest. "You broke my fucking heart, Elliot. I'm not mad at you." He takes a shaky breath. "I fucking miss you."

I lose my air again. Hearing him say those words hurts so much worse than I ever thought it could. "I'm sorry," I say, my voice small. It's a pathetic response, but it's all I have. I really am sorry, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. We both knew the risk we were taking at the beginning of the year. It was a 50/50 shot this would all end in heartbreak.

Judah blows out a long breath and then runs his hand roughly over his hair. "It's not your fault."

I don't have a response for that. Yes, I feel guilty he found out about Hunter the way he did, but what did he expect?

Even so, I still feel the need to comfort him. It's weird seeing Judah so emotional. "We are still going to be a part of each other's lives," I say, my voice softer. I place my hand on his arm, and he meets my eyes. "I know it won't be in the way we planned, but I can't lose you completely. You were my first everything. All of my best memories have you in them."

He sniffs, lowering his eyes from me. "I just feel so bad about the way I acted. I'm still acting like a dick because I'm so angry with myself."

"Hey," I say, shaking his arm. He still won't look at me, so I wrap my arms around his waist and hug him. I can't take the look on his face anymore anyway.

He hugs me back tighter than I expect. When his body starts to silently shake, I rub my hand up and down his back gently, no longer feeling the cold in the air. This kind of emotion from a guy like him is still troubling to me. Any male influence I've seen firsthand has come off stone-faced and detached. They don't discuss their feelings in a way that makes it acceptable to have them. That's why I've always tried so hard not to—until now that is. Now it's all I ever feel, and sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by it I can hardly breathe.

When the back door opens suddenly, he pulls back from me and discreetly wipes his eyes with his sleeve. Oliver strolls onto the porch in his puffer jacket and snow pants. He grins at Judah.