Lacrimosa (Scomiche)

Ego Sum Umbra

So incredibly sorry its rushed and jumbled, but the next one will be better I promise! 

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I did it.  

I killed him..  with my own two hands and my own free will.  

Even though he'd asked me to, and even though it had been out of mercy, it ripped me to pieces and broke a part of me that can never be repaired.

I fell to the ground when it was done and scrambled away from the body until I was backed into a corner and had nowhere left to go. I curled up and cried for hours, exhaustion only heightening my despair.

Maybe if I just lay there and didn't move, I'd rot to death. Maybe I'd dissolve into nothing. Maybe I'd finally know the grace of oblivion and finally get to be with my love.  My Mitchell...   

He deserved a proper burial... regardless of the amount of times we'd already been through it before. It was so hard to force myself to go back over there, to look at his body knowing what I'd done. The guilt ate away at me like the disease that  had eaten away at him. When I once again looked upon his face, I realized just how much suffering he had been going through. Without that light in his eyes to keep me distracted I could imagine the kind of pain he'd been enduring when he'd asked me for the gift of death. It didn't ease my guilt, not when I knew that I was the reason he'd gone through it in the first place.

Guilt is an ugly, slow torture, and it followed me through the years... creating a broken, withdrawn individual. No  matter what he tells me, no matter the handful of years we get to hold one another in between, all of that blood is on my hands. All of his pain and suffering, every time he remembers and knows what his existence has become, every death...  that's all on me.

My love for him ...

How could true, pure and honest love cause so much pain? How could someone be so cruel to condemn an innocent man to this never ending cycle of torment? He had done nothing but let himself fall for the wrong man.

My love for him trapped him in this purgatory.

Maybe if I could somehow stop my heart from aching for him when he's not near. Maybe if I could somehow quell the constant longing to look into his eyes just one more time, maybe then I could set him free.  But how? How do you stop loving someone who feels like they are the very makeup of your soul? How do you extract someone from your heart when their name is echoed in every single beat.

How do you let someone go when the thought of another moment in their presence is the only thing that keeps you from burying yourself alive.

There was no me without him and no matter how I tried, I couldn't find a way to liberate him.

All I could do was continue.

I could barely bring myself to smile for anything. I always kept with me the iron box, the wooden horse, the beautiful sword he'd created.. the same that had been his end. I'd already lost hope of an end, and my pessimism was completely warranted.

I tried to stay away again, tried to appear indifferent to forward advances, but those eyes always see through me and know just how to render me breathless. He's such a bright light in the black of my existence; it was impossible to ignore him.  

Alexander knew my weakness was my own heart.  Try as I might to resist the call of my love, he finds a way to reel me in.  All of the sudden warmth and affection would all but overwhelm me. All of those years I'd spent in solitude left me practically starved for it, and I let myself get lost, clinging to my love with every ounce of strength I could.