The Pink TuTu - chapter outtakes

Sometimes, It is Easier to Pretend

Sometimes, it is easier to pretend that your lives weren't twisted and broken 5 months ago.

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November 12th, 2012

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It's almost as if it never happened.

Sometimes, on days when it is nice outside. When the sky is blue and the wind is just a light breeze and the temperature is still that perfect number of 70°...

On days when Rosie would have been outside, running around with Toby or Caleb or Mike.

On days when the 5-year-old would generously let Aria and Spencer sleep in by getting Scottie out of his crib, giving him some cheerios and a bottle of milk, and playing quietly with him...

On the days when both kids would usually be at Alison and Emily's house, or playing with Mason at Hanna and Caleb's...

On days like that, it is so very easy to pretend that Rosie is still here. That that day at the zoo, the one that was supposed to be perfect and beautiful and fun, the one that ended in absolute tragedy...

It is so easy to pretend that Spencer and Aria came home, hours after leaving the house, exhausted, but with both their son andtheir daughter.

It is so easy for Hanna to wake up in the morning, and in that one moment, that split second between hazy sleepiness and fully awakeness, it is so easy for her to smile, and wonder what fun things she can do with her niece today.

And Toby, god, Toby, the one who adored Rosalie. The one who loved to teach her how to build things.

It's so easy for him to plan out a sunny-blue day, to think Rosie will be calling any minute now. I should make sure I have the things needed to finish that birdhouse we were building.

For Emily, that moment happens at night.

Alison usually goes to bed before Em, because her wife is a night owl who loves to stay up late.

And during the summer or on the weekends, she finds herself sitting on the second couch in their living room, the one right beside the phone. And she watches it and she listens and she waits for the phone to ring.

Because Rosie always calls to say goodnight after being allowed to stayed up a couple of hours later than usual.

And on days like today?

Days like now, when Spencer and Aria are both having a particular rough day, one where they just do not want to get out of bed.

And Hanna is here, watching Scottie, now 18 months old, and doing household chores – the laundry, getting a few meals made and frozen, dusting and vacuuming, etc.

And right now, when Scottie and Mason are both taking a nap upstairs, and Hanna has the radio going in the kitchen, while she washes the dishes, she can almost pretend that...

Rosie is taking a nap also.

That at any moment, the 5-year-old is going to wake up and run down the stairs and squeal in delight when she sees her aunt.

That Spencer and Aria are not up in their bedroom, but in town, grocery shopping, or doing something similar, and have left Hanna here to simply watch the children.

For just a moment, as a song comes on the radio that Rosie loves — loved — Hanna pauses in rinsing off a plate and she stands there with her eyes closed and she listens for the telltale sound of the pitter-patter of a 5-year-old's footsteps...

But for every one of these scenarios...

For every moment that is it so fucking easy to pretend that Rosalie is home, safe, instead of out there somewhere, scared, being hurt, or... or dead.

For every time that their minds want to play tricks on them...

It always ends in heartbreak.

They always remember the cold, hard, devastating truth.

Rosie is not home.

She is not safe.

She isn't going to call to say goodnight. She won't run into the kitchen and squeal at Hanna being there.

She won't excitedly call Toby to tell him she wants to build something today.

And she may never get to let Spencer and Aria sleep in again.

Aaron Scott Montgomery-Hastings may only get to have memories of his big sister through recorded videos, moments frozen in time, on a TV screen.

He may never know, in person, just how lucky he was to be born into this family, how loved he was by Rosie.

And that right there?

That is sometimes harder to digest than her not being here in the first place.

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Sometimes, it is just easier to pretend. Unfortunately, even when you pretend, you have to realize and except reality at some point.

Please comment and let me know what you thought. 💚