hunters and foxes (a loki au)

The Hope Of It All

Nadia

Dreykov tried to remove any essence of what could have been in our past through the gas - but he couldn't tear every memory away. He couldn't tear the desire to escape out of us. Out of me. We heard about traitors, those that abandoned him. But we all wanted that chance. But he never let us. Each woman that escaped made it harder and harder for the rest of us to escape. Dreykov wouldn't let the same mistake happen twice. Of course not. We are far too valuable to his cause.

I can't remember anything of my childhood - not my real childhood. Not before the Red Room. I had a fake childhood. Two parents that worked for Dreykov, who were on a mission to get American information. That was the closest thing to a childhood that I got. It was the closest that any of us got - those that were privileged enough to leave these walls.

It wasn't much. I was aware that it wasn't real. That we were part of a bigger picture. I always was a part of a bigger picture. There's always a bigger picture when Dreykov's involved. The house I lived in had a blue door. It had a big garden that I ran around in - a garden that we decorated for Halloween. A garden that we hung fairy lights in the trees of. A garden that I used to play princesses in. A garden with a tree house and a washing line and a swing. A house that meant I was a close to having a family as possible.

That garden meant I was as far away from the Red Room as I could get. A garden and a house with a blue door that meant Dreykov couldn't hurt me. Legally, he couldn't set foot in America. I wasn't aware of that fact until much later - so that nightmares I had as a child meant nothing.

But no distance between the Red Room and I would be enough to wipe the pain.
I was Dreykov's favourite. His reddest girl. The girl with a ledger that was dripping red. The girl who never said no, the girl who always completed her mission successfully. No matter the cost, she'd do it perfectly. I was his best girl, he'd tell me. The top of my classes, the best Widow he had.
"Only you, my darling lisichka," he paused as he cupped my cheeks. He'd taken to calling me the Russian nickname that meant little fox, because of my ability to both outrun and outsmart anyone. He tells me often that it is this ability that makes me better than the others. I'm quick, faster than all the other girls. I can outlast them all.

I've taught myself not to flinch when he touches me. Taught myself not to react. He likes it when we fight him.
"Only you can do what has to be done, my lisichka." He told me as he kissed my forehead.
Most of the time we didn't get the privilege of knowing what the mission was until we were onboard a jet.
But the moment he got up from his chair, I knew that this wasn't a normal mission.
"You're the best girl I've got, Nadia. You can't let me down, okay?" I know what happens when we let him down - and I don't want to have that happen. I've only ever let him down once, and after what happened last time, I'd never put myself in that position again. "You're going to bring me something."
"What is it?" I ask, never breaking eye contact with him once.
"There's a lab in New York City." He tells me, grunting as he leans back against the desk. "It's one of our own and inside of it, there's stuff that I need. You will go alone, I can't risk bringing too much attention to us. Those American... superheroes have been snooping around a little too much and it's not safe for our process to continue on that premises anymore." New York City is the home of the Avengers. Because the more of us that attend, the more obvious it is that we are here. And they all think that the Red Room is no more. I can't afford to say no to him. I can't afford to bring those consequences on myself. The unspeakable things that he would turn around and do to me in this room. The things he has done to me in this room. No one could stop him. Even if they could, they wouldn't.
"I'm ready." I tell him and he grins.
"There's a jet waiting on level five for you." He stands up, kissing my forehead once again before I am allowed to leave. A voice screams in the back of my head but I remain silent.