hunters and foxes (a loki au)

Tell Me All The Ways To Stay Away

Natasha

As soon as I saw the god damn symbol on her belt, I knew. I knew exactly why Fury had assigned both Yelena and I to this mission.
Steve doesn't get it. He won't ever know what it's like to be a Widow. Most girls won't.
"I know her." I murmur as I watch her take a couple of steps forward, trying to hold onto the wall. At first, I don't know what she's doing. But then, she collapses and I know.

I head straight to her side, and I'm there in seconds. I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life.
"Wait. Did you just say that you know her?" Steve exclaims as I kneel down beside her. He picks her up anyway, because he knows as well as I do, that I won't let us leave without her.
She's the part of me that hurts to think about, the part that haunts me constantly.

The part of me that I try so hard to keep buried down at the deepest part of who I am, the part of myself that hurts everytime I allow myself to stop long enough that the memories flood back in waves. She's the part of me that has made me want to die, the part of myself that burns me.
"Don't be a fucking idiot, Rogers." Yelena warns him. Usually, Steve and I get along great. But this is something that is too much for me to bear. He has no clue what I went through. No one does. Except Yelena.
"Speak to me, Natasha." Steve tells me as we board the QuinJet. It is nearly five in the morning, and I am feeling the effects of being confronted by my past.

Nadia lies on the floor. The QuinJet isn't necessarily the best place to carry someone injured. Yelena and Steve are up front, but I insisted without a word that I needed to be here. With her. So here I am. Sitting with my knees up to my chest, on the floor beside her. Watching her.
It only takes fifteen minutes to get back to the Avengers compound, and in that time, I've come to the conclusion that she looks exactly like me.
Steve tries to pick her up again once we've landed, but she's lost too much blood and I tell him to get a medic, instead. Mostly so that I can be alone with her for a few moments.
Nadia rouses slightly when we're alone, and I am relieved. She glances around, her eyes filled with both terror and panic.
"Hey, hey. You're safe." I tell her. I know I've never been good at comforting people in this way, because no one did the same for me.
Her emerald green eyes stare right into mine. I didn't know they were green. They were blue, the last time I had the privilege of looking at them. She relaxes for a moment.
"How did you... how did you know my name?" She asks me gently.
I find an empty spot on the wall, and stare at it. I bite my cheek and feel myself begin to get breathless. I don't know how to say these words. I do not know how I am supposed to get them to leave my mouth.
"Because..." All of my words have abandoned me. Just like she's going to feel when she hears what I have to say. "Because, Nadia... I am your mother."
The words almost seem to ricochet off of her. "What?" There's an element of panic in her voice that I don't think I was expecting.
"It is a really long story." I tell her honestly. It is a story that I haven't allowed myself to think about.

Steve returns with our medic team, who help her out of the aircraft. She panics when they try to touch her.
"No-" She's got a fear, a panic in her that I know all too well. "No... I can't... don't touch me."
I jump out of the jet, her terror causing me to react. I ensure that she can see me. Against my better judgment, I reach out and take her hand.
"It's alright, they're not here to hurt you. They're just going to help you feel better." She glances up at me, and I see her fear. "Do you want me to come with you?" I offer.
She takes a shaky breath, biting her lip before she nods.
"But Nat, we have a mee-" Steve mentions, but I turn to face him.
"No. Not now. I'll see Fury later for a mission report. But right now, you've got to do as she said and make sure that lab is obliterated. We can't let Dreykov get to it." I tell him, before I head into the compound, not letting go of Nadia's hand, not even once.

They have to stitch up her leg and her shoulder.
"I'm sorry I shot you." I tell her, rubbing the palm of her hand in soft, continuous circles.
"It doesn't matter," She murmurs with a small smile. I am the only one that Nadia speaks to while they're helping her. She panics when they ask her to tell them about herself.
"I... I don't know." She panics, tearing up a little.
"Her name is Nadia Romanova." I tell her. She glances over at me when she hears her name attached to mine, but I see the glimmer of a smile. I tell them all the details I know. "She was born on August 13 and she's eighteen years old."
The medic looks over at me and I see a look of surprise cross her face, but she hides it well.
Fury is going to have a lot of things to say about this situation. I'll be in therapy every day for the rest of the week when he realises what a big secret I've been keeping the entire time they've known me. When they realize that even though I've been to therapy every week for three years, I've never mentioned her once. I'll be in trouble.