Forbidden

Not okay

⚠️TW⚠️: there is internalized homophobia on Alma's part

Alma awoke much earlier than she would have liked so naturally, she turned to sleep but something was gnawing at her brain no matter what she did images of you and she kept coming up, She smiled at a daydream of you and her happy physically close to each other. She hugged herself until her half-asleep brain clocked what she and you were doing. You too were cuddling and not in a friendly way in a little too close for a friendship way sitting up now much more awake, she looked over to the book she had borrowed it and read the title in the moonlight "The lesbian master doc." She muttered under her breath. She thought for a second considering for a moment that maybe she was a lesbian she then shook her head firmly to herself but now instead of a joyful feeling when she imagined herself close to you she felt ashamed angry even so she pushed those imaginations away and imagined what her husband would look like what he'd be like but once again she couldn't stop herself from having it go from a lovely heterosexual relationship to a lovely homosexual relationship. She sighed and resulted to reading a book which in her eyes thankfully worked and then it hit 5 a.m so she left her room and so did you to help prepare for the day. You noticed Alma had been a little colder to you than usual so when you had the chance you asked her "Alma have I done something wrong or upset you in a way?" She glared at the ground disgusted at how the way you said her name made her heart skip a beat.
"From now on call me miss peregrine and no you haven't done anything wrong or upset me." You nod confused but go about your day. Alma thought that if you didn't say her first name these feelings would go away but once again no her heart skips a beat and she laughed at your jokes even if they weren't funny but she did and every time she felt so angry and disgusted with herself as by now its clicked that this isn't exciting because of a new friend, this is attraction.

At the end of this evening, you and Alma were sat together in her study relaxing. You had the biggest crush on her and you didn't realise she did too after half an hour she asked you,
"Are you a lesbian?" You looked up at her she wasn't looking at you but instead some writing she was doing you said yes and was met with a disgusted look that was quickly replaced with a natural face and she nodded. You realised that Alma didn't welcome this and excused yourself and walked into your room and noticed the lesbian master doc back on your bed. You sighed angrily and put it away, Alma sighed and rubbed her eyes trying not to cry as she realises you think she's angry about you being gay but she's not, she's angry at how excited she felt at the knowledge.

It's early one morning and you and Alma had let the children sleep in as it was a weekend. You were still hurt over how Alma reacted and Alma was still beating herself up about it, she wanted to say something but she didn't know what to. She wanted to lay in your arms but was too scared too, Alma wanted to sleep in the same bed and cuddle but she just couldn't allow herself to say anything about her love for you and the more she thought about it the harder she found it to hide. since you and Alma were in the kitchen she calmly excused herself into the study and the moment she locked the door she collapsed to the floor sobbing silently. She hugged her knees to her chest and cried she just cried. She cried for the life she can't have, the woman she can't have, the happiness she may never have. Tears were streaming down her face as all her thoughts in that very moment were either about you fueling the anger and disgust or self-hatred she felt in that moment causing her to cry harder. She felt horrendous about herself and just couldn't keep it in that very moment. How badly she wanted to go out to you and seek comfort in your arms but also how scared she was.

This ordeal went on for an hour until she was able to compose herself feeling slightly relieved at the emotional release, yet embarrassed that she broke down like that but she had remembered a quote Miss Avocet had told her while she was under her care as a learning ymbryne "was that the only thing we have to fear is fear its self." She sighed finished with how she was feeling she decided that she couldn't go on about how she was feeling so knowing that sometimes sharing feelings help she called you into her Study praying she doesn't back down. You walk in and her heart speeds up and she pushes these feelings away and forces out an almost inaudible question,
"Do you have a girlfriend?" you stare at her not knowing if she's looking for reasons to judge or kick you out you shake your head she nods and takes a deep breath "Would you like to be 𝗺𝘆 girlfriend?" Alma feels like an elephant has taken a foot off her chest her emotions overwhelm her tears begin to roll down her face and she sits down on the edge of her desk quiet sobs follow. Shocked, you walk forward to her a cup her face making her look at you, you whisper,
"Yes my god Alma yes." she leans her head down and begins to sob your shoulder muffling her sobs. You hold her rubbing her back and you quitely ask "There's this thing called internalised homophobia I have a book on how to battle it, would you like it?" Alma feeling relief at now knowing what's happening to her emotions nod you pull away to fetch the book and hand it to her.

That evening Alma is reading the book you gave her feeling so happy, she puts the book down and turns over to sleep happy as in that moment she felt as though she finally wasnt alone.