endure | e. jaeger & a. arlert

XXXV. Memory

a/n: i cannot believe the amount of support this story has gotten like what??? it was at number one in the aot tag for a day??? insane?? THANK YOU ALL SM I LOVE YOU GUYS and in celebration + a little thanksgiving present here's a bonus chapter :)

Sometimes, Eren wished that he had died in the fall of Shiganshina, too. He thought maybe it would be easier, being eaten by a titan instead of suffering through the hell that was this world.

Y/N was dead. His mother was dead. Death, it seemed, was what befell all of the best people. Maybe that was what it was; hadn't he said it to her before, once? Good things never last when greedy people get their hands on them. The world was greedy. They were good. He was not. It was the only logic he could think to apply to the situation.

But Armin and Mikasa? Were they not good? He reasoned that the world just hadn't got its hands on them yet. It was only a matter of time before they slipped away from him, too.

"I can't believe it's been a year," Armin whispered, finally vocalizing what the three of them had all been thinking, in one way or another.

One year. It had been exactly one year since the Colossal and Armored Titans had destroyed Wall Maria. Eren marvelled at how things had changed since then.

"I miss her," Mikasa said bluntly, in that cold manner of hers. She was staring at the stuffed animal Y/N had given her so long ago. The brilliant orange of the tiger's fur had faded in the years she had had it, now not much more than a beige, but she still clung to it ferociously. It reminded Eren of the exactly one fight he had ever had with Mikasa, and he shuddered at the memory.

"Give it," she growled, eyes almost glowing with rage and tears.

"It's mine. She was my best friend!" he said stubbornly, clutching the white ribbon to his chest. Mikasa lunged at him, knocking him to the ground with ease. This was her at her worst; she was nothing more than primal instinct and unleashed fury at the moment.

"Give it to me! I loved her more than you did!" she said, and he was surprised to hear her voice break. But her words incensed him, and he bared his teeth at her.

"That's not true, and you know it! I've known her since we were two!" he spat back.

"And yet your last conversation with her was a fight! She told you she didn't want you around anymore! She died hating you, Eren!" Mikasa said, and even as she said it, she knew she had gone too far.

"Mikasa!" Armin admonished, but it was too late. Eren had gone very still underneath her, and the blond tensed for the incoming explosion.

Eren did not fail him. Within seconds, Mikasa and Eren were clawing at each other and tearing at one another's hair, and then Armin was pulling Mikasa off and all three were crying, and Mikasa was apologizing, over and over, but it was not enough. What she had said was the truth, after all; Eren kept the ribbon, tied it around his wrist — as Armin said, Mikasa had Tiger and could at least spare Eren this — but he remembered his final fight with Y/N every time he saw it.

He wondered if she had regretted it when she died. Had she wished they had put that stupid fight behind them? Or had she felt vindicated, that she never had to look upon Eren again? He did not know.

"I do, too," Armin said.

Eren did not say anything. They all knew how he felt; they knew from the nights he had cried himself to sleep, the nights they would pretend to not hear him speaking to the moon as if it were her. Mikasa and Armin were good like that.

"We should do something for it," Mikasa said.

"You guys can. I think I'll stay by myself," Eren said.

"Are you sure?" Armin said, clearly worried. Eren forced a smile and nodded.

"I am. It'll be alright, Armin, really. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just...want to be alone today," he said.

This was a half-lie. The only person he wanted to be with at the moment was dead, so in that sense he did want to be alone, but it was not solitude he suck out; rather, he wanted a chance to speak with her privately.

Mikasa seemed to understand this. Nodding at him, she pulled Armin away without another word. The two of them had tiptoed on eggshells when it came to the subject of Y/N, ever since that deadly fight, and Armin was smart enough to not bring her up around them. Today was the most they had spoken about her since that day.

"It feels weird," Eren confessed once he was hidden away in an alleyway of Trost, "You know, the fact that it's been a year without you."

He was speaking to thin air and a blank stone wall, but it was as close as he would get, so he accepted it without complaint. Sitting there, hugging his knees to his chest, he sighed.

"Please don't hate me anymore. I just wanted you to be safe. I didn't want you to get hurt. That's the only reason why I yelled at you; I thought it would make you listen. But...but I'd rather you were in danger at my side than safe and far away. I've realized that now. I want to be with you again. I want to be with you, always," he said.

He felt a lump grow in his throat, and he blinked back tears that ignored his bidding and fell anyways.

"I don't want freedom anymore," he choked out, "I don't want freedom if it's not with you. Come back, Y/N, please come back."

He wondered why he was even begging for such a thing. Miracles did not exist; not at all, and even if they did, they would never happen for him. He was unlucky in the extreme, after all. He was probably cursed or something.

But now, all he could focus on was the burning in his lungs, the way it hurt to breathe, as if his very body was shutting down from grief. He let out a soft whimper, curling tighter into himself for warmth.

"Please come back, please come back, please come back," he chanted, squeezing his eyes shut, "When I open my eyes, please be there."

He was afraid. He knew what was going to happen, but there was some wild hope in him that sparked at his prayer, making him think that maybe, somehow, it would happen, that she would really be there, whole and happy, the way she used to be, before the fight, before the fall. He tried to picture her, but he found he couldn't; it was getting difficult, and this made him violently ill. How could he be forgetting her already? How could the memory of her vanish before he was ready to let go? The thought made him wildly frantic, so he opened his eyes.

She wasn't there.

a/n: comments are the reason for my existence. please comment. PLEASE. I LOVE TALKING WITH ALL OF YOU!! also please vote to help boost this story for the algorithm <3

anyways i love returning to this story/universe sm so expect more bonus chapters in the future. i will try to make the next one happy but no promises 😁