The Great Chaos of 1812

15: Sonya and Natasha

How was it I noticed nothing? How could it go so far? It can't be that she loves him, it can't be. "Natasha."

******

"Sonya, you're back," and with a tender resolve that often comes at the moment of awakening, I embraced my friend. But noticing Sonya's look of embarrassment, my face expressed confusion and suspicion. "Sonya, you've read the letter?"

"Yes."

"Oh, Sonya, I'm glad. I can't hide it any longer. Now you know, we love one another. Oh, Sonya, he writes, he writes, he writes, he writes, he writes!"

"And Andrey?"

"Oh, Sonya, if you only knew how happy I am! You don't know what love is."

"But, Natasha, can that all over?"

"I do not grasp the question."

"Are you refusing Prince Andrey?"

"Oh, you don't understand anything! Don't talk nonsense, just listen!"

"But I can't believe it! I don't understand how you love one man a whole year, and suddenly- you've only known him three days! Natasha, you're joking."

"Three days... It seems to me I've loved him a hundred years. It seems to me I've never loved anyone before. Not like this. I have no will, my life is his. I'll do anything he wants me to! What can I do, Sonya? What can I do? I'm so happy, and so frightened. Why can't you understand? I love him!"

"Then I won't let it come to that. I shall tell!" 

Bursting into tears: "What do you mean? For God's sake, if you tell you are my enemy! You want me to be miserable! You want to tear us apart. For God's sake, Sonya, don't tell anyone! Don't torture me. I have confided in you!"

"What has happened between you? What has he said to you? Why doesn't he come to the house, and openly ask for you hand? Why this secrecy? Have you thought what his secret reasons may be?"

"I don't know what the reasons are, but there must be reasons. Sonya, one can't doubt him."

"Does he love you?"

"Does he love me? Why, you've read his letter. You've seen him. I can't live without him."

"Natasha, think of our family and think of Prince Andrey."

"Andrey said I was free to refuse him."

"But, you haven't refused him. Or have you?"

"Perhaps I have. Perhaps all is over between me and Bolkonsky. Would you think so badly of me?"

"I won't succumb to your tender tone. Natasha, I don't trust him. Natasha, I'm afraid for you. Natasha. Afraid you're going to your ruin!"

"Then go to my ruin, yes I will, as soon as possible! But it's not your business. It won't be you, it'll be me who'll suffer! Leave me alone! Yes, leave me alone. I hate you, Sonya. I hate you, Sonya. I hate you, I hate you. You're my enemy forever!"

******

I burst into sobs.

******

And without a moment's reflection, I wrote the answer to Princess Mary I'd been unable to write all morning:

    -All our misunderstandings are at an end. Forget everything, and forgive me, but I can't be Andrey's wife.