Past

Verosika

Blitzo had glossed over the number. He was glad Loona wasn't there to see him tonight. Thinking of everything that happened today, it all felt like a dream; a dream gone into nightmare. He was going to give himself a panic attack at this rate. Tossing his phone onto the table, missing and tumbling it to the floor, he didn't care, going to the sink to splash some water on his face.

He could've heard his phone had buzzed. Whatever. They could call him later. The cold seemed to help with the nerves, or anxiety, or whatever this bullshit was. Exhaling out loud exaggeratedly, looking at the ceiling, he took a few deep breaths. He was getting way too out of control for what small shit this was- or was it small shit? Maybe it was the repression of all those events he went through life. He'd been so scared to look the conclusion in the eyes, and he'd glanced into those eyes a few times.

"You're a clown, Blitzo." Life smiled non-threateningly at him. It wasn't an insult. It wasn't anything born out of malice. It was just the truth, wanting to hold his hand. Time and time again, he slapped that hand away. But looking at it straight in the face now...

Wiping off his face on the kitchen cloth hanging by the stove, he threw it by the floor near the room with the washing machine. He'd run it later. Normally that was something he'd assign to his adopted daughter, but... you know what? That was just his laziness veiled in the responsibility of an adult. How could he even call himself an adult? He certainly couldn't lie about it now, and didn't have to. It was just him and the house.

Looking back at his phone, the images flashed in his head. There were so many conversations and pictures in that shitty phone that he felt so compelled to keep, yet wanted to let go of. It was all in the past, but reminding himself constantly was some sort of repentance. He wanted so desperately to hurt for all that had happened.

Even with the things that weren't his fault.

"God, I'm so fucked." Blitzo muttered to himself, finding his feet already walking towards the device. He was going to do something he was definitely going to regret. It made his heart pound anxiously as the phone detected his hand's motion, flashing the screen back to where he was before throwing it away.

Verosika's number. Someone he used to love. His ex. He could remember the very first day they met like it was just the other day. It wasn't like he tried to forget anyways. Sometimes, looking in the mirror, he could still see her eyes, and that smile. The visions never went away, more of a matter of conditioning than fading away. His thumb was just one press away. One press, and... well, who knows what would happen, and if she'd even pick up.

"Always was a fucking idiot." The imp mocked himself, chuckling, as he pressed down firmly. Drawing a sharp breath, he pressed the phone to his cheek, and exhaled as the sounds dialed periodically. He was surprised they hadn't changed their number. After all, they really got big, though at the time they were together, she was already famous. Now she was a household name.

The thought made him smile. He was glad she was doing well for herself, and he wished he could still be there the way he had been before; as a loving supporter, and... well, a lover. It made him so happy knowing they were happy. But the bitterness of what'd happened, and everything they'd been through left a disgusting taste. It was quite the unfixable dish, but he couldn't help but shovel more of it into his mouth like some obese mukbang vlogger.

The tone had stopped shortly. He could hear her breathing, and that alone was enough to make him freeze. Surely, she could hear his breathing too. It was frightening, as he thought of all the things she could say; rightfully, and wrongfully. Insults deserved, and petty potshots. Extending his hand to look at the screen, the timer had started. It'd been just 12 seconds.

"...Hey." Blitzo traced the upper roof of his mouth with his tongue as he took another audible breath. The air was being sucked out of the room.

"What is this about? I'm busy, and I don't have time for your bullshit."

Her voice was just as he'd remembered, not that their last meeting was so long ago. Literally just the other hour, they'd met by chance in that overpriced shithole of a restaurant, and not too long ago at a concert. It still stung to hear her now regardless. He hid it well, or maybe he really had been doing a good job of letting go; but this weighed down on his conscious anyways.

"It's not bullshit. Honest," Blitzo felt like he was going to panic already at the slightest aggravation. "I just... wanted to say something quick. I mean, we can talk some other time-"

"Can you just hurry the fuck up?"

Blitzo stared at the still photo he'd chosen as the number's icon. It was still of them, in a heart. She'd made the image in honor of their relationship. He loved it then, and he loved it now. He wish she knew how much it really meant; how much it hurt now, and how it tormented him every fucking day.

"Verosika, I'm... I'm sorry. I know it doesn't fucking mean shit. It means fuck all, and I know you don't give a fuck," Blitzo covered his eyes with one hand, already feeling the tears. As much as he resisted, he couldn't keep it out of his voice. "but I just wanted you to know if I could fix it all, I would. I'm sorry I'm such a fucking failure. I loved you. And I know I'm a selfish piece of shit. I still am now, and I wish I had the guts to fucking kill myself, because I would've by now."

He'd let it all out. For a moment, he felt fulfilled. He'd gotten everything out... probably. The imp hadn't exactly planned it all out. What even was his goal? Forgiveness? Too late. To get back together? Not a chance. What was it that he wanted out of any of this?

Verosika sighed at the other end. "...You're so fucking pathetic, Blitz. Don't ever call me again."