Rising Uncertainty

Day and Night

Miles looked at Phoenix sitting across from him at the table and smiled to himself. He felt warmth in his chest and everything seemed to be perfect. He let himself live in his fantasy before reminding himself that he had to stay grounded in reality. The reality was that Miles liked Phoenix a lot but felt so incredibly guilty about it. He was still struggling with self acceptance and he couldn't get von Karma's booming voice out of his head, but right now there wasn't much he could do but scold himself.

"Miles?" Phoenix's voice snapped him back to reality.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" He asked.

"I asked if you were sure you're fine. You've been staring off into space," Phoenix said.

"I'm fine. I was just thinking about something," Miles assured him. "I promise I'm alright, Wright. I wouldn't have joined you if I wasn't."

"I'm just worried about you," Phoenix admitted. "After everything with this case and the stress of having to look over your back must be awful."

"It's alright. I truly am fine. I'm just ready to finally relax at a... friends place." Miles leaned back in his chair as the waitress approached them.

She was short with long blonde hair and brown eyes. She looked happy to be there.

"Hello! I'm Cassie, I'll be your server for today! What can I get you started with?" She asked.

"I would like water, thank you," Miles said.

Phoenix raised a brow. "No red wine?"

Miles scoffed and shook his head.
"Absolutely not. I need my mind clear at the moment." Phoenix just shrugged at his response before ordering a soft drink.

Cassie walked off, stuffing her order pad of paper into her apron, leaving the two alone once again.

"So.... Miles... I wanted to actually apologize for everything in this damn case. I know I already said sorry but I feel like I need to say it again. I... God, I was an idiot for believing him. You and Maya kept trying to tell me and I just wouldn't listen because... because I needed the case," Phoenix admitted. "I've been extremely low on money lately and Maya said that if anyone comes with an offer big enough to take it and just trust them. I should have known better-"

"Wright-"

"And I know that's a horrible excuse just like the one I gave for missing our meal-"

"Wright, please-"

"And I haven't been able to do anything right-"

"Phoenix!" Miles grabbed his hands and leaned to look Phoenix in the eyes. "It's alright. I promise you, everything is okay. You were doing what you had to to keep a roof over your head."

Phoenix stared at him for a moment. He felt his heart swell and tears form in his eyes. He hadn't expected to be as touched by Miles' words as he was.

"Phoenix... Promise me something, okay? Promise me that if you ever need anything, you'll come to me. I am more than willing to help and I can't bare to think of you dealing with this alone. You're so important and thinking about you being alone in all of this... it terrifies me," Miles said.

"I promise," Phoenix answered quietly. He smiled and Miles released his hands.

The two didn't say anything else until they had to order their meals, and even then they were quiet and reserved. It wasn't awkward and tense; it was gentle and understanding. They were both happy and they were finally talking again. Talking like normal people. Right now, they could pretend like the case didn't exist. Right now, they could enjoy each other's presence without the stress of court or other lawyers. Right now, they were fully themselves.

———

Miles kept his head down and his eyes to the ground as he entered Phoenix's apartment once more. He didn't know why, but the moment he stepped foot in there, he felt so awkward. It was as if someone had flipped a switch in his mind by telling him that he was entering the home of the man he was head over heals for. Thinking about how infatuated he was by Phoenix lead him to feeling ashamed of himself.

He scolded himself silently and only snapped his attention back to Phoenix once he heard him chuckle.

"You know you can sit down, Mile." Phoenix was smiling widely as he took his shoes off. He plopped down on the couch and patted it as if he were beckoning an animal.

"Of course I know that, Wright. I'm just... I just feel like standing at the moment," Miles retorted.

"Aw man, we're back on last name basis again?" Phoenix realized that that was apparently the wrong thing to joke about.

Miles tensed and he looked away once more, muttering to himself. He couldn't pinpoint the source of embarrassment. He just shook his head and sat down. To anyone else, he may have looked upset.

"What can I say," Miles started quietly. He sounded a little sad. "I am creature of habit..."

Miles didn't hear what Phoenix said next. He was too focused on keeping himself from showing his sudden sorrow. By admitting that he was slow to change his ways, he admitted to being unable to change how he felt. How he felt about himself and how he felt about Phoenix.

The two feelings completely contradicted themselves and the battle that was continuously going on in his mind made him sad. He couldn't be happy with himself even though he knew there was nothing wrong with him. He had been conditioned to hate and be ashamed of a part of himself that he wanted to accept so he could allow himself to feel things again. He just couldn't do it and it hurt. He couldn't accept himself.

Miles sighed and looked at his lap. He didn't know what to do with himself anymore. He just wanted to be happy.

"...Miles? Are you okay?" Phoenix asked gently. He placed his hand on Miles' shoulder, causing him to look at him.

"I'm fine, Wright. The day is just finally catching up with me."