Heartbreak Playlist - C.Nicole

#2

My heart ached as I stared into his facebook page. I flipped through his very select profile pictures. A total of six, including two pictures that were reused and one of a turkey from when he was eleven. I glared at the picture of him and his recent ex, Jessie. It was the only profile picture that included him and a girl that isn't one of his sisters. She looked great, with her platinum blond hair chopped short. She even had the cowgirl boots. Something that I didn't have and couldn't afford to buy. He was giving the camera a side smile that made my heart want to melt and break at the same time.

I was having a hard time believing that he could truly care for me. In a " I want you to be my forever" kind of way. I wanted him to hug me from behind while I grab a cup out of our kitchen cabinet. I want to fall asleep in his arms in our bed. I wanted to be able to hug him as we wait to be seated in a restaurant or to hold his hand while we go grocery shopping. I want us to be able to take quirky and spontaneous pictures of us together. I want to be able to kiss him when I wanted to kiss him without wondering if he really wanted it or if he felt like it was awkward. I wanted to be able to give him my all without being terrified of him breaking my heart or being afraid I gave him something that can't be taken back.

I sit back and think about the last time I was with him and how intimate we were. I loved that memory of us in his yellow Tonka Ford F-250, his seat reclined and the center-console lifted so that I could lie on his chest. Us both not wanting to look at the clock, knowing that eleven o'clock was scooting closer to us and when we had to be home.

I bit my lip as I thought of how he kissed me and how his hands skimmed my skin under my shirt. I could feel everywhere his fingertips grazed. I thought of how he squeezed my butt when our tongues collided. His fingers looped and tugged on my belt hoops on my jeans, pulling my leg over his.

I blinked out of my steamy memory and tried to calm my now racing heart. I chewed the inside of my cheek and smiled as I thought of how he smiled at me when he kissed me goodnight. My fuzzy thoughts were jarred back into clear reality when my apple watch buzzed. I looked down at my wrist and saw his name pop up, letting me know he was texting me over Snapchat. My heart immediately galloped and skipped into a steady run. I decided not to respond as soon as he sent the text. I didn't want to come off as too eager. I looked back at my personal favorite picture of him, at least one that was available on facebook. It was a close-up picture of him staring into the camera, with his side smile and strikingly blue eyes. His dark hair slightly showing under his baseball cap. It was an older picture, but I loved it. I wished I had a picture of him that I had in my head of how he sometimes looks at me. I know he cares for me, I do, but I guess I just over-think everything. I don't want him to only want me for my body. I know on some level he wants me for me, but does it out-weigh his want for my body? I couldn't tell. I loved hearing that he thought of marriage with me. Even on a small scale.

A small smile curled my lips as I thought of it. We had just gotten in the truck after looking at the progress of a piece of land he had bought. It had a humble home on it that needed a lot of work. But with the way the little house was made, made me fall in love with it immediately. I loved how rustic and coarse it looked. From the old porch to the old-fashioned brick fireplace. He had really worked on it, since the last time I had been there. He had cleaned the rooms, from top to bottom, added a rattlesnake skin mount above the fireplace and a turkey mount on the other side of the living room. I loved it, completely. That tiny home weaseled it's way into my heart and made a place there. I loved how dedicated he was to whatever he set his mind on. I wanted to be one of those things. To be one of those people in his life that he devoted his time, love, and effort into. I knew that I would give him everything that I had, if he would but show me that he wanted this just as much as I did.

We were talking about how we both wanted to put in a mud room so that we weren't tracking in dirt and he kind of paused. Almost as if he was worried about saying too much. And then he said, " If, just as something that might happen, if we get married, I can't have dogs inside the house. I know a lot of households-"

I loved hearing that he was thinking about the future. That I wasn't the only one and that he has really put some thought into it. Knowing Colton, he wouldn't have just said that if he wasn't thinking about it or has put in some real thought into the idea. And it made me feel like we had a really good chance at making this.

I think of how he kisses my hair when we cuddle, how he gently holds me as I fall asleep. I could feel myself falling for this man and it scared me. I didn't want to be the sucker who let a person get the best of me and I get the worst of them. I feel like he is trying to put his best foot forward for me, but I feel like he is holding back on a few levels because he is scared. I know our age difference worries him, even though he says it doesn't. I know the fact we can't move as fast as a normal couple is a hinderance and the fact that we are both in college doesn't help. We both have so many goals and the fact that we aren't going to set them aside so that we could focus on our relationship is a big deal. That could both hurt and help us in the long run. I am worried about how we are going to be when August rolls around and our classes start. He starts a day before me and then it's on. The real challenge in our relationship starts, making time for each other while trying to get through college. It worries me, but if we trust each other and really work with each other, it could work out. I hate how I let myself over think just about everything.

I honestly just want to spend all of tomorrow with him, but there are things that just can't be moved around, like how Billy and his new girlfriend are coming over, but we don't know when. Which presents a problem in and of itself. I think I will just see of he wants to go out for dinner tomorrow. Hopefully, we can work that out. I would hate to have to wait until this Tuesday. That would suck, I just want to spend some time with him. It feels like there is a hole in my chest when I am not with him and I don't quite understand it. I don't want to come off as clingy or as unreasonable. I just want to see that he wants to spend time with me just as much as I much as I do. I think that is only right.