He Noticed (Phan)

He Noticed

there is a boy who catches my bus that has bluey-grey eyes as clear as the lake the kids go swimming in

he sits with his friends and laughs a lot at little things. and when his friends are silent he looks out the window.

i sit two seats behind him and i think he is beautiful

Dan has no idea who the boy is. Well he knows who he is; he knows how he twiddles his thumb subconsciously and bites his lip when he's uncomfortable. He knows that he lives somewhere within a mile of the bus stop at 9th street, he knows that the boy is around 6'2 and he knows that he dyes his hair black, although he can's seem to determine exactly why, but he doesn't know his name, or his favorite band, or his favorite color. Every single day he catches the bus approximately four minutes and thirty-two seconds after Dan, on average (thirty-nine if he forgot his bus pass) and he's always third in line, staring straight ahead with three of his friends behind him. He sits down by the window in seat sixteen, turning his body to the right to look at his friends while they joked about whatever it is 'normal' teenage boys joke about. When he smiles, his entire face lights up like it's glowing and when he laughs his tongue sticks slightly out of his mouth on either side. Dan finds that cute, he finds most things about the boy cute. When the still-rising sun shining through the window hits his eyes, they look almost transparent and it makes Dan want to get lost in them. He is certain that the boy knows he's staring. Dan doesn't try to hide it, it's clear and obvious but the boy never meets his eye, never looks back at him even for a second. He doesn't mind all that much, really. He's not looking for the boy's attention necessarily. He's just observing. He always is anyways. When the voices slow into a predictable, yet still surprising silence among the group, he watches as the blue eyed boy turns his body around so he's facing front and leans his head against the glass, wondering how he isn't disturbed by the judder of the window against his skull as the bus travels sown the bumpy street, but he assumes that he's to distracted by his thoughts, or possibly the world sitting on the other side of the window to care. Or maybe he's too busy longing. Dan sees the expression on his face, the utter concentration and desperation on his face like he's hoping he'll be consumed by the window. Dan doesn't know what it is that the boy is searching for that he just can't find, but it intrigues him. The boy only snaps out of his trance when the bus comes to a stop, and Dan sighs because the bus stopping symbolizes the fact that he can no longer stare at the absolutely beautiful boy in seat sixteen, but he grabs his backpack and stands anyways.

there is a boy who catches my bus who acts happy every morning from 7am

he sits with his friends and gives them empty smiles and wears long sleeves in the middle of summer

i sit two seats behind him and i think he is beautiful

Dan tried to pretend that he didn't notice how when the boy in seat sixteen who's eyes used to light up every time he smiled and tongue would poke out whenever he laughed started to lose the light in his eyes and all of his smiles seemed empty and pathetic.

Dan tried to pretend that he didn't notice how the boy would no longer turn his body slightly to the left to listen to his friends talk. How he would sit straight forward and look straight ahead. only turning to fake a laugh so his friends wouldn't suspect anything. Dan could tell. He never looked out of the window almost like he was avoiding it.

Dan tried to pretend that he didn't notice the long sleeved muse hoodies that replaced the short sleeved dorky t-shirts that the boy would always wear but at least now he knew what the boy's favorite band was.

Dan tried to pretend not to notice how the boy scratched at his wrists and stares straight ahead and 'doesn't want to talk about it'.

Dan tried to pretend he didn't notice the light that used to exist in the boy's eyes the color of the lake that the kids would swim in the summer, were gone.

there is a boy who catches my bus who has bluey-grey eyes as empty as the lake the kids go swimming in in the winter

he sits with his friends and stares at his lap and when his friends say something funny he doesn't laugh anymore

i sit two seats behind him and i think he is beautiful

It was gone. The smiles, the laugh with the tongue pointing out, the light in the blue-grey eyes, the facade that he had held for oh so long. It was gone. The boy still got on the bus approximately four minutes and thirty-nine seconds after Dan did every day, he didn't bother to bring his bus pass anymore, and he still sits closest to the window in seat sixteen and as far as Dan knew, his favorite band was still muse. But everything else was gone. His friends didn't ask what was wrong anymore, they knew they wouldn't get an answer. Dan still watched him, even though he usually didn't move more than an inch. It hurt to see him like that. It hurt. And for the first time in forever, the boy wished that he would look back at Dan, to give him a reassuring smile, to prove him wrong, to show him that the light hadn't left his eyes and that he was just as fine as he had been in the beginning. Dan wanted him to be okay. He wasn't okay. Nobody said a word.

there was a boy who caught my bus who was found by his parents after he shot himself.

he wrote a letter to his friends and told him that he loved them. he wrote a letter to his parents saying sorry.

and he wrote a letter to the sad boy who sat two seats behind him on the bus and told him that he was beautiful.

Phil Lester. Phil Lester, the boy who sat in seat sixteen closest to the window approximately four minutes and thirty-nine seconds after Dan had gotten on, was dead.

Phil Lester, a sixteen year old boy from Rawtenstall shot himself Thursday afternoon and was found three hours later by his parents.

Phil Lester, the boy without a name held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Phil Lester no longer is alive.

Dan noticed when the boy, didn't get on the bus approximately four minutes and thirty nine seconds after him, he noticed when his friends sat three seats behind him instead of two in front. He noticed when another boy without a name sat closest to the window in seat sixteen. He noticed.

He noticed the piece of folded lined paper with his first name messily scrawled across the front of it, he noticed the smudged blue lined, he noticed.

Dan tried not to cry. He had decided a long time before Phil Lester from Rawtenstall shot himself that he would never cry, but looking down at the smudged blue lines sitting in his shaky hands, he felt them burn at the back of his eyes. He hesitantly opened the folded piece of paper, his mind clouding with thoughts of "I'm never going to look at the boy with the blue-grey eyes again"

Dear Dan,

I really hope your name is actually Dan. I never actually asked you but I've heard teachers call you that before so I'm assuming it's Dan. I hope this isn't weird or anything, I mean we weren't exactly friends or anything but I always noticed you looking at me and I felt like I needed to say something to you before I was dead. I'm sure by the time you're reading this that you've already heard the news but... yeah.

I never quite got why you stared at me. I mean, I didn't mind or anything but I mean, I'm just Phil. There's nothing extraordinary about me. I'm nothing special.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I swaer to god I have no idea what to say to you.

You always look kinda sad and I wanted to tell you that you're beautiful.

Really really beautiful.

This is so creepy I'm sorry.

Goodbye Dan, I guess

~Phil

Dan never observed the beautiful boy with the blue-grey eyes that sat in seat sixteen anymore.

He wasn't there to look at anymore.

And eventually neither was Dan.

A/n: This is such shit I'm so sorry ugh I'm trash.