You Try (Even when the world doesn't want you to|| WayV Lucas Angst

"I'm ruined" - "okay"

Honestly, fuck eating disorders. 

They literally can go fuck themselves for all he cares. 

No, no, fuck therapists and fuck feeding tubes. And the members, and his family and the stupid, stupid doctor. Fuck them all. 

Currently, Xuxi stood in front of the bathroom mirror, the mahogany door wide open as he tried to have a moment to himself, to no avail, of course, because privacy was not a luxury he had anymore. The sudden urge to just slam the stupid fucking door closed overcame him for a second, only a second, then his eyes travelled to his still unfeeling hands.  

He moved his fingers, he  saw  the movement, saw how his pinky touched his thumb...he didn't feel it. His arms were still bandaged, not the heavy, white bandages he had been wearing the first two weeks. No, these were a beige-ish colour he didn't particularly hate. Especially when one of them had a wannabe Totoro drawn by Yangyang there. 

The thing with the Totoro on his arm was, he hadn't felt it. Hadn't felt Yangyang drawing it, not even as he looked at the picture being made. 

He had been scared at first. When he had tried to feel the, presumably, soft blankets on that hospital bed, and all he felt was...nothing. No cotton, or silk, or whatever the hell those blankets were made of. He couldn't even describe it because how do you explain something you literally cannot feel. 

He thinks the scariest part is seeing that his arms were right there, where they are supposed to be, seeing how they move, albeit a lot slower than before, and not feeling a thing. As if they weren't really there, and the image was just a cruel picture made up by his brain. 

Wouldn't be the first time - he thought grimly. 

Then the tingling had come. Attacking not only Xuxi's hands but his feet as well. 

The doctor had explained it to him while sitting on an uncomfortable-looking, white hospital chair. Something about purging causing an electrolyte imbalance on his body and making his brain tickle his arms and legs, or something like that. He didn't pay much attention after he realised everyone knew about his failure at being perfect. Or what they liked to call: his "eating disorder."

Bullshit. 

He was just trying to be enough for them. Why was that so horrible? 

Gosh, they should've let him die that day. 

Okay, so  maybe  he was a little pissed at the whole situation. A situation  he  caused. 

He hated the idea of not being able to close doors, of having to be chaperoned like a little kid anywhere he went, of needing help when doing absolutely everything and anything. But, most importantly, he hated being a burden to everyone around him. 

The members all looked exhausted. Blue, purplish bags decorated their eyes and more than once, he would hear them talking to each other late at night, when the sun had already set and the stars had been shining for a while. Sometimes they would talk about their ideas for new projects. Most of the time, they would talk about Xuxi.