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For some reason you just couldn't explain it. You just couldn't comprehend why is was happening again. You were doing so well. Though, the past few days you've found yourself lying aimlessly in bed after your lover parted for work. Your body numb and your mind filled with ruthless thoughts about yourself. God, why couldn't I be normal.
You've struggled with depression in the past. The racing thoughts, low motivation, and the empty pit in your chest was nothing new to you. All that seemed to be in past. Ever since you've met Wilhemina, things seemed to brighten up. She was your safe haven. You got used to a schedule with her and it left you feeling content and balanced, things you've never experienced prior to your connection. Every morning you'd wake up in each others arms and slowly get ready for the day. You'd drive to your respective places together. Then, when you'd come home from university, you'd do all the basic chores and prepare a meal for the two of you to share. You didn't mind doing these things as she was worth the hardest of struggles, you'd do anything to ease her mind. You'd cuddle on the couch together; Wilhemina, a book in hand as she read short stories to you. That was your routine, everyday. You were content with this simple life.
Recently it's been difficult to keep up with the simple tasks of the day. Of course you'd keep up with everything at home, but only to keep your girlfriend away from any suspicions. You didn't want to worry her. But everyday seemed to be increasingly more difficult to get up and follow through with routinely things. All you wanted to do was stay in bed. Nothing you seemed to do had any appeal to it. The thoughts bounding through your mind didn't seem to help either. Why am I even here? I feel so worthless. If Mina finds out she'll leave me for good. How could you be so lazy? And today, things seemed to be too much.
"Sweet girl, it's time to get up," Wilhemina placed a soft kiss on your temple. All you could do was respond with a groan.
"Come on sleepyhead, we have a long day ahead of us," she chuckles lightheartedly before getting up to get ready for the day. Yes, long indeed.
All you wanted to do was to lie in bed while she held you close. You didn't have it in you to get out of bed. You didn't have the energy to face the day despite sleeping soundly in your lovers arms the night prior. I'm exhausted. You rolled over in bed, hugging your girlfriends pillow before drifting back to sleep.
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"Y/N," a stern voice had awoken you from your sleep, "What are you doing still in bed? Get up, you're going to make us late."
Slowly opening your eyes, you see a not-very-happy looking Wilhemina, arms crossed and stern look on her face. You groan softly before rubbing your eyes, adjusting to the sunlight entering your shared bedroom. I can't do this today, I need a break.
"I have today off," you lie, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I don't mean to make you late, it just slipped my mind."
You watch as Wilhemina's face softens.
"Oh little one, I'm so sorry. Go back to bed, I'll just be on my way," she whispers leaning over to give you a kiss on the cheek. You weakly smile back before watching her leave the room. A pang of guilt bubbles within your stomach. You saved your ass by lying to her? How pathetic. Tossing yourself over to your side, your read the clock -- 8:37. I have time. The next thing you know, your eyelids begin to feel heavy and you drift off into sleep once more.
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When you wake up once more it was half past two. Shit. Wilhemina would arrive home in an hour. There's a slight sinking feeling in your chest. The panic you felt about doing your simple task had dissipated and was now replaced with worries of what your partner would think of you. You hadn't done anything all day; hadn't showered, gotten ready, done the laundry, the list continued. You looked horrible. What will Mina think of all this? Anger bubbled within you. Not at anyone but yourself. God, how could you be so lazy? It should not be that hard to get up. Your mind screamed at you and tears brimmed your eyes. You were so encumbered in thought that you hadn't heard Wilhemina walk in the house.
"Y/N?"
Your thoughts prevented you from hearing your lover calling for you. She's going to leave me. You were paralyzed in shame.
"Y/N. What on earth are you doing still in bed? Did you stay in bed all day?" she asked. You could tell by her tone she was upset. You turned your body to face her and you were met with a questioning glare. She was stern and her eyes were shifting from you to her cane, a sign that her back was killing her. The thought of your lover in pain forced tears to spill from your eyes. You were helpless.
"I'm so sorry," you whispered. It was barely audible, but she heard it.
"Sorry for what, Y/N?" she pushed further. A lump caught in your throat. You couldn't possibly tell her what's been going on. She'd think you were weak.
"I'm speaking to you, Y/N," she interrupted your thoughts.
"I can't do this anymore," you finally spoke. With your words, her faced hardened, her insecurities rising.
"W-what do you mean by that?" she questioned. By the cracking in her tone you could tell you messed up.
"I mean I can't live with myself anymore," you corrected yourself. Not expecting that response, she allowed her posture to relax.
"Tell me what's going on, little one," she bent over, disregarding the pain in her back.
"I can't," you mumbled, tears now freely flowing down your cheeks, "You'll leave me."
"Oh sweetheart, no," her voice was soft, afraid to scare you off, "I will never leave you. Now, tell me what's going on in that precious head of yours."
You sit up and move over on the bed so she could sit next to you. Wilhemina sits down only to pull you into her lap and places soft kisses on your temple.
"I'm just so tired, Mina. I feel so empty yet so heavy. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I couldn't even brush my teeth this morning."
"My darling girl, I'm so sorry I haven't noticed. How long has it been getting bad again?" she pushes a strand of hair behind your ear before you continue.
"I don't know, maybe a week ago. It only started to be unmanageable the past few days," you replied playing with your fingertips. You were to ashamed to look at her. She hates me.
You feel soft hands around your cheeks, "Hey, look at me, little one." You look up, gazing into beautiful brown orbs.
"It's okay to have really bad days, sweetpea. I want to be here for you. You don't have to do this on your own, you know?"
You nod before trying to reply. She cuts you off with a chaste kiss.
"Ah-Ah, no buts. Now tell me darling, what can I do to help you?"
"Just hold me," you reply softly.
"Then I'll do just that, my sweet girl."
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AN: sorry this is kinda bad and i'm sorry this took so long, i've been struggling a lot recently. if you need anything at all, i'll always be here. as always, i'm always open for suggestions :)
