UNDERFELL

Life is better when you're gone

Mental wounds are more painful than physical, and the worst part is when we become used to such mental wounds. We start to normalise it, grow used to it, and even grow to welcome it. Keira had endured so much pain that she had now become used to the torture and harassment. She had accepted that this was her reality.

At 4 am, Keira's punishment ended; She was in tears, and Fairfax spat on her face for one last time before he turned over on the couch and slept. It took a few seconds for Keira to come back to her senses. Her legs were shaking, and her entire body was in pain. There were no clothes on her body and blood was dripping down, covering her thighs. She slowly limped towards the bathroom and started the shower. She looked into the mirror. Tears were smudged under her eyes and her long blonde hair was messy and falling out of its ponytail. Her eyes had dark bags underneath which were a sign of her many late sleepless punishments and also a sign of many nights where she dreamt of nightmares and woke up drenched in sweat.

Keira didn't have the courage to look at the rest of her body, which she knew was full of bruises and cuts. She entered the shower, already being naked, allowed her to save some strength of not having to change. The scorching water fell on her, enveloping her with its warmth. She winced in pain as the water hit her new open wounds. Keira always took a shower, after all her punishments. As the water passes through her, she prays her pain also washes away. Another punishment over, until the next one. Soaping her body, she gently washed her stained skin, wanting this feeling of shame and tainted ness to leave her body, let it run down the drain along with the pink water that comprised her blood and fluids washing away evidence of the previous night, but she knew the feeling wouldn't really leave her, no matter how many times she showered.

After half an hour of showering, Keira yawned, feeling sleepy. She turned off the shower, took her towel that hung on the door hook and wrapped it around her body, and limped quietly back to her room. Once inside the room, she saw Maddison, deep in sleep, clutching her pink puppy plush toy. She removed her towel and saw her freshly bathed body in front of a mirror. She stared sadly at her heavily scarred breasts, thighs and the rest of her entire body and realised, will she ever fall in love with herself and would anyone else?

She figured she should probably apply some cream and bandaids on her wounds to stop infection, but a small part of her brain stopped her from caring to her needs.

Digging through her suitcase, using the light from her phone screen to see, Keira pulled out new underwear, her pyjamas shorts and a baggy shirt. After putting on the clothes, she laid next to Maddison. Sighing, she turned to her phone. How she wanted to text her psych, how she wished she could tell her everything. Before she could stop herself, she found herself writing.

Today my carer again punished me. It is always the same. First, he asks me to remove my clothes. I refuse as always; I don't know why? It just makes it harder. He tears them off, then he harms my body. I try to not cry out in pain; it makes him angrier. Now that it's over for tonight, I'm covered in bruises, welts, and cuts. And then as I lay broken and curled up after his assault, he starts with the touching. I don't shout; I don't scream; I don't want to wake up Maddison, maybe it would be better if I did? Maybe someone would come save me? It always ends up with him inside me. I keep asking myself and God (If there is any) what wrongs have I done to face such torture. I don't know how much more I can take. I want to end all this. It would be so easy to kill myself, but I have Maddison.

Keira stared at her message. It had taken so many tries to write this as perfectly as she could; she had rewritten different parts multiple times; she wished she could press send; she fantasied of what her psych would do, would the police show up, would her psych care about her more, knowing the horrors she was enduring, would she save her?